Perhaps, the vocabulary of social morés never quite sunk in, or I didn't have the chance to be socially equivocal to an "average lesbian teenager" when I was growing up. Either way, I have been reduced to a simmering dish of lust, love, life, old patterns, bad habits, and inevitable flaws. "Maybe I should just 'Let It Burn'" or however it goes from Usher's song.
It's not the fact that I turned into one of those who have completely become those douchebags, but it is my possibly slight "aspberger"-esque objectification of life that consumed my thoughts that I didn't know how to stop doing something socially wrong or equally as staining to a relationship.
I fell victim to my blindness of searching the love in the relationship I felt I lacked and finding my true wants to a relationship within myself. Many old patterns flew back into my life in a flash after my restart in San Diego. Rebounds, Rehurt, Drunkness, Going out, Partying, Sleep Late, Sleep In, etc. It's starting all over again like a pattern I've clearly distinguished as something I've done before.
Now, here I am, examining life to its core, wondering how long I will take to heal, THIS TIME. It's a journey I know I must take (again) and finally settle the score over the war within me.
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