Perhaps, the vocabulary of social morés never quite sunk in, or I didn't have the chance to be socially equivocal to an "average lesbian teenager" when I was growing up. Either way, I have been reduced to a simmering dish of lust, love, life, old patterns, bad habits, and inevitable flaws. "Maybe I should just 'Let It Burn'" or however it goes from Usher's song.
It's not the fact that I turned into one of those who have completely become those douchebags, but it is my possibly slight "aspberger"-esque objectification of life that consumed my thoughts that I didn't know how to stop doing something socially wrong or equally as staining to a relationship.
I fell victim to my blindness of searching the love in the relationship I felt I lacked and finding my true wants to a relationship within myself. Many old patterns flew back into my life in a flash after my restart in San Diego. Rebounds, Rehurt, Drunkness, Going out, Partying, Sleep Late, Sleep In, etc. It's starting all over again like a pattern I've clearly distinguished as something I've done before.
Now, here I am, examining life to its core, wondering how long I will take to heal, THIS TIME. It's a journey I know I must take (again) and finally settle the score over the war within me.
28 December 2010
The Affect of External Influences...
The cost of outside influences prepares one to perceive others in a bias or through the result of letting others effect the original perception.
Clouding through this hazy life, perceptions are conceived through any means for which conversations, texts, emails, misconceived and misappropriated behavior are brought with miscommunication, misconception, misinformation and misunderstandings as a whole. (Like those who might misunderstand the love I give in my "Love and Forgiveness..." blog...)
In my life, I have had such encounters.
One being the confidence I had in my most recent prior relationship. Without influence of the "chaotic outside world," it came to be a very enlightening relationship, without struggle and I connected with her on levels I did not have with other people in my life. However, when the influences of others who would tell me: "that's crazy," "long distance relationships don't work," "she's too young," and various other nuances of negative connotation, I was confident in what I had and it dissuaded me for awhile, but then, over time, it held me with fear. When I started to believe such outcries of this type of stereotypical/prejudged ridicule, it provided my soul with a sickening influence of doubt. Had I been a stronger person and had confidence in my relationship instead of regarding the influence of others, things probably would have been different. However, things happen for a reason. I am where I am now. She is where she is now. She did definitely influence my life on a positive level.
This cost to outside influences, especially the negative ones, create a sense of imbalance in one's mind. I believe a saying I once heard from my friend: "One man's perception can become another person's reality."
She and I don't speak to each other. And recently, the last we spoke did not end well and was an internal yell for me to live my own life. In my own act of desperation, I backed her into that corner and she couldn't breathe; smothering her thoughts and crowding her time for her own reflection, so to speak. Thus, in her own act, she threatened me and my clouded existence.
Thus, with such emotions and such a clouded mind, my fear and doubt, the actions that took over is a result to where I am now. I am without love due to the nuances of letting the doubt and fear of this chaotic world get to me and affect my mind. It's not anyone's fault. It was all mine.
Clouding through this hazy life, perceptions are conceived through any means for which conversations, texts, emails, misconceived and misappropriated behavior are brought with miscommunication, misconception, misinformation and misunderstandings as a whole. (Like those who might misunderstand the love I give in my "Love and Forgiveness..." blog...)
In my life, I have had such encounters.
One being the confidence I had in my most recent prior relationship. Without influence of the "chaotic outside world," it came to be a very enlightening relationship, without struggle and I connected with her on levels I did not have with other people in my life. However, when the influences of others who would tell me: "that's crazy," "long distance relationships don't work," "she's too young," and various other nuances of negative connotation, I was confident in what I had and it dissuaded me for awhile, but then, over time, it held me with fear. When I started to believe such outcries of this type of stereotypical/prejudged ridicule, it provided my soul with a sickening influence of doubt. Had I been a stronger person and had confidence in my relationship instead of regarding the influence of others, things probably would have been different. However, things happen for a reason. I am where I am now. She is where she is now. She did definitely influence my life on a positive level.
This cost to outside influences, especially the negative ones, create a sense of imbalance in one's mind. I believe a saying I once heard from my friend: "One man's perception can become another person's reality."
She and I don't speak to each other. And recently, the last we spoke did not end well and was an internal yell for me to live my own life. In my own act of desperation, I backed her into that corner and she couldn't breathe; smothering her thoughts and crowding her time for her own reflection, so to speak. Thus, in her own act, she threatened me and my clouded existence.
Thus, with such emotions and such a clouded mind, my fear and doubt, the actions that took over is a result to where I am now. I am without love due to the nuances of letting the doubt and fear of this chaotic world get to me and affect my mind. It's not anyone's fault. It was all mine.
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