Lately, I've been having Nightmares...However, I don't wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding out of my chest, abrupt waking and jumping out of my bed....It's like I just wake up with something looming over me. Not only that, I am feeling forever lost in my ways. It's nice that I found a place in someone's heart, but my goals, my aspirations, my career, and my life....I just seem to want more.....More work, more passion, more to do around the area....and I also feel like I'm drowning in my slow-paced town.
Must I work harder to clean out my life?
Must I find a "job-for-now," so I can proceed to earn more just to get out of the rest of my debt and move out of my little town?
Must I prepare myself to earn my heart's true desires?
What exactly am I searching for? Maybe that's where I should start...But how??
What am I waiting for? What is this looming feeling in me?
So much in my life is soo positive, but I'm slowly finding underlying subconscious feelings of danger....
Am I afraid of my relationship?
Am I subconsciously sabotaging my own life?
Am I just creating drama in order to feed into my lack of a livelihood?
What exactly can I do to stop this circle of insecurities??
I have a great job that I love and cherish...
I have a wonderful, perfectly compatible lover and future partner for life...
I have a secure family and living space...
I have a conscious level of what my ailments, worries and hardships are...
I have a plan to survive and just be happy...
I do my laundry
I clean my (mom's) house
I am responsible
I exercise
I do everything that makes me happy
So why is it that I still feel like I have something I am preparing for??
Hmmm....I'm light-hearted...but these nightmares are kind of scaring me....
Or are these Dreams of a Challenging Prophecy?
24 September 2009
11 July 2009
As a Lover and a Fighter, I feel Lighter. (^_^)v
I'm learning so much about what I've done, what I do now, where I am situated at this moment...
It's like the entire world is opening up to me. It feels as if I really should work out myself on my own, work on my maturity and soon enable all of that knowledge to have a stable life. The decision is on me. And here I go...
I don't feel anymore hurt or scorn...I know that I am forgiving as ever towards those that I have in my past. In admitting to letting go of my heart's fears and just letting it flow, everything seems to travel in lighter energies. I feel happy and with less pain in my life.
I mean, even though I have things that I still must sort out in my life right now, it all seems like smaller tasks compared to the big picture...and I'm ready...for the bigger picture...
There's nothing more that I want than to be someone who will prove that LOVE takes flight out of my heart. I can see where I get my love within me.
Being afraid IS silly!
Artistically....who better to feel feelings than artists, performers, singers, musicians, dancers, poets, and all those in the creative world. In these minds, particularly those I've met in dancing, I find it easy to open up to people, find respect and celebration in this field. Dancers and Choreographers alike, collaborate and find endless ways to create such a camaraderie and deliver with such emotion. Which is why I'm a choreographer and dancer myself. I feel things and in so many ways I find outlets through my artistic sides in my dances, music, singing, poems and drawings. It brings out a trust and truth in me that I can't explain. I find ways that cure me of my ailments such as sadness or loneliness or even heartbreak...Guess it's just a life of an artist...
With each page turned, I'm just seeking out the answers in the flow that I'm in. As I am synchronistically bound to delve into matters of my own "hell" and prevail, I make sure to provide myself with an endless amount of self-love and worth to my heart and soul. I cannot shut out the light I have inside of me, nor should I do so. It is a reason that makes life worth living...
Many paths I have crossed...and nearly in my own paths...I almost dove into my old patterns. From the full force of such things, I found the strength within me to resist it with full force. Maybe not with as much awareness and without a drama or two, but I found solace knowing that I could defeat my own old habits. I'm also trying to resist temptations within me, but I'm sure that I will prevail in this arena as well.
My Life is going well, and I'm much more content over my own actions. I won't let anything bring me down any longer. I just proved to myself this past week that I can really do that. I am so proud of myself. :D
It's like the entire world is opening up to me. It feels as if I really should work out myself on my own, work on my maturity and soon enable all of that knowledge to have a stable life. The decision is on me. And here I go...
I don't feel anymore hurt or scorn...I know that I am forgiving as ever towards those that I have in my past. In admitting to letting go of my heart's fears and just letting it flow, everything seems to travel in lighter energies. I feel happy and with less pain in my life.
I mean, even though I have things that I still must sort out in my life right now, it all seems like smaller tasks compared to the big picture...and I'm ready...for the bigger picture...
There's nothing more that I want than to be someone who will prove that LOVE takes flight out of my heart. I can see where I get my love within me.
Being afraid IS silly!
Artistically....who better to feel feelings than artists, performers, singers, musicians, dancers, poets, and all those in the creative world. In these minds, particularly those I've met in dancing, I find it easy to open up to people, find respect and celebration in this field. Dancers and Choreographers alike, collaborate and find endless ways to create such a camaraderie and deliver with such emotion. Which is why I'm a choreographer and dancer myself. I feel things and in so many ways I find outlets through my artistic sides in my dances, music, singing, poems and drawings. It brings out a trust and truth in me that I can't explain. I find ways that cure me of my ailments such as sadness or loneliness or even heartbreak...Guess it's just a life of an artist...
With each page turned, I'm just seeking out the answers in the flow that I'm in. As I am synchronistically bound to delve into matters of my own "hell" and prevail, I make sure to provide myself with an endless amount of self-love and worth to my heart and soul. I cannot shut out the light I have inside of me, nor should I do so. It is a reason that makes life worth living...
Many paths I have crossed...and nearly in my own paths...I almost dove into my old patterns. From the full force of such things, I found the strength within me to resist it with full force. Maybe not with as much awareness and without a drama or two, but I found solace knowing that I could defeat my own old habits. I'm also trying to resist temptations within me, but I'm sure that I will prevail in this arena as well.
My Life is going well, and I'm much more content over my own actions. I won't let anything bring me down any longer. I just proved to myself this past week that I can really do that. I am so proud of myself. :D
04 July 2009
Love and Life...words of wisdom from one of my heroes...
Before I stop pondering any longer and release my relentless efforts of trying to love someone who has chosen to move on, I would like to say this:
You have changed my world. The memory of you and of us I will never forget. Your love I cannot forget. I hope with all my heart your life becomes more fulfilled with love, life and all the growth of happiness and joy. As I forgive myself for all the setbacks of my own insecurities, I want nothing more than to see you happy.
I know that I must move on...and finally let go.
The grasp of what I've held onto isn't reasonable to keep. By letting my heart set you free, I can be content with the life I have now and have a love find its way into my soul.
Whichever way that will be, I know that what we had will be a memory set to keep forever in my mind. The remembrance and knowing that I once loved an amazing, inspiring woman who has a passion to change the world, the determination to be upfront and honest about herself towards others, and a sense of compassion that shone past all of my boundaries and truly did heal my soul, even after the fact that we weren't together.
Before realizing my stupidity of being so scared to feel such an effortless and intense emotion, thinking that "this is too surreal and too easy to really feel like real love," I couldn't handle the pressure and I caved-in. Realizing all too late, after the fact, I know now I must let go.
I truly loved once before in my life, and you were a part of that love. All of that, now must be a memory and I must let go of any efforts in salvaging anything because that has already passed.
Maybe one day, you can forgive me and we can truly set peace between us. I wish you the best in life, M.
~~~~~~
And here it is...One of my heroes, whose words of wisdom inspire me...
~~~~~~
Sometimes, in relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.
To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, It only means that you allow that person to find her own happiness without expecting her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but never can give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.
There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship, we start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still rewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.
You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.
Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love hat will stay and last a lifetime.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other through everything is a miracle.
There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. no past so bitter that love cannot accept.
And no love so little that we cannot start all over with.
Love and Life by Albert Einstein. (1879-1955)
You have changed my world. The memory of you and of us I will never forget. Your love I cannot forget. I hope with all my heart your life becomes more fulfilled with love, life and all the growth of happiness and joy. As I forgive myself for all the setbacks of my own insecurities, I want nothing more than to see you happy.
I know that I must move on...and finally let go.
The grasp of what I've held onto isn't reasonable to keep. By letting my heart set you free, I can be content with the life I have now and have a love find its way into my soul.
Whichever way that will be, I know that what we had will be a memory set to keep forever in my mind. The remembrance and knowing that I once loved an amazing, inspiring woman who has a passion to change the world, the determination to be upfront and honest about herself towards others, and a sense of compassion that shone past all of my boundaries and truly did heal my soul, even after the fact that we weren't together.
Before realizing my stupidity of being so scared to feel such an effortless and intense emotion, thinking that "this is too surreal and too easy to really feel like real love," I couldn't handle the pressure and I caved-in. Realizing all too late, after the fact, I know now I must let go.
I truly loved once before in my life, and you were a part of that love. All of that, now must be a memory and I must let go of any efforts in salvaging anything because that has already passed.
Maybe one day, you can forgive me and we can truly set peace between us. I wish you the best in life, M.
~~~~~~
And here it is...One of my heroes, whose words of wisdom inspire me...
~~~~~~
Sometimes, in relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.
To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, It only means that you allow that person to find her own happiness without expecting her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but never can give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.
There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship, we start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still rewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.
You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.
Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love hat will stay and last a lifetime.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other through everything is a miracle.
There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. no past so bitter that love cannot accept.
And no love so little that we cannot start all over with.
Love and Life by Albert Einstein. (1879-1955)
For the sake of love...
Nothing deepens my heart more than the essence of change for the betterment of one's soulful journey. Whether that is mine or yours or anyone else's, it is in that person's power to eliminate and lessen the sacrifices made in life just through their own actions and live life in a freedom of their own accord.
Maintaining a balance in life constitutes living freely with control of our actions.
Loving with much fervor, but with a sense of love that is within our grasp and is freeing.
A place where actions can be within the call of destiny and of our own free will simultaneously. Where we find these pieces to life and to understand and grow on this earth with great wisdom, humbleness and humility for life, is the crucial part of living.
I believe that even through our experiences, the consistency of change is basically a better reason to believe that life will go on. To move on in constant change is the best way to get through these gallows of the chaos around us in the world.
As more and more people become aware of the fact that their lives, despite some being so involved in other people's business and within full distractions, they must come to realize their own journey that they must travel this path themselves. A journey is not made alone, like the story about the footprints in the sand, but with the correlation of the heart, mind, body and soul working altogether as one to know that love is there for them and within them. This journey is each and every person's own personal agenda, to become who they truly are potentially supposed to be. And to bring into being themselves at their highest light so that they will soon find the evolutionary power of their true self. There cannot be anyone else to take this journey, but in all awareness, it is a realization that even as we may be next to each other, or even if we were far from anyone else, the journey is of our own. To understand this, we are fulfilling the purposes we hold in our own lives and ultimately sharing our true peaceful selves to combine with others into a new era of life. It's basically like the rumored "Judgment Day of 2012" coming out to show others that change is upon us and we must evolve or have evolved by this time. This Movie/Rumor/Prophecy is saying that change is inevitable. As for my opinion, in order to survive, we must take our own single journey and focus on ourselves to make that change.
However, on this journey meant for ourselves, no one should ever FEEL alone, even if you must STAND alone on this path. All those times and interactions that were of positive and happy times are kept in memory and should be saved for any sad days ahead. These moments remind us of the love and happiness we feel and have shared with others. This can bring us the memory that the past is the past, and moving on into new things will help us in each of our paths.
And for the sake of love, even if I must stand alone, I know that the memory of happy moments are there. Reminding me of the joy that I know is within me. Change may have happened and things are different now, but I know that like Alicia Key's No One, "...everything's gonna be alright."
I know you will be alright. I know I will be alright. We must celebrate and accept change. I know that to survive in this world, will essentially be through the power of love, for the sake of love...
Maintaining a balance in life constitutes living freely with control of our actions.
Loving with much fervor, but with a sense of love that is within our grasp and is freeing.
A place where actions can be within the call of destiny and of our own free will simultaneously. Where we find these pieces to life and to understand and grow on this earth with great wisdom, humbleness and humility for life, is the crucial part of living.
I believe that even through our experiences, the consistency of change is basically a better reason to believe that life will go on. To move on in constant change is the best way to get through these gallows of the chaos around us in the world.
As more and more people become aware of the fact that their lives, despite some being so involved in other people's business and within full distractions, they must come to realize their own journey that they must travel this path themselves. A journey is not made alone, like the story about the footprints in the sand, but with the correlation of the heart, mind, body and soul working altogether as one to know that love is there for them and within them. This journey is each and every person's own personal agenda, to become who they truly are potentially supposed to be. And to bring into being themselves at their highest light so that they will soon find the evolutionary power of their true self. There cannot be anyone else to take this journey, but in all awareness, it is a realization that even as we may be next to each other, or even if we were far from anyone else, the journey is of our own. To understand this, we are fulfilling the purposes we hold in our own lives and ultimately sharing our true peaceful selves to combine with others into a new era of life. It's basically like the rumored "Judgment Day of 2012" coming out to show others that change is upon us and we must evolve or have evolved by this time. This Movie/Rumor/Prophecy is saying that change is inevitable. As for my opinion, in order to survive, we must take our own single journey and focus on ourselves to make that change.
However, on this journey meant for ourselves, no one should ever FEEL alone, even if you must STAND alone on this path. All those times and interactions that were of positive and happy times are kept in memory and should be saved for any sad days ahead. These moments remind us of the love and happiness we feel and have shared with others. This can bring us the memory that the past is the past, and moving on into new things will help us in each of our paths.
And for the sake of love, even if I must stand alone, I know that the memory of happy moments are there. Reminding me of the joy that I know is within me. Change may have happened and things are different now, but I know that like Alicia Key's No One, "...everything's gonna be alright."
I know you will be alright. I know I will be alright. We must celebrate and accept change. I know that to survive in this world, will essentially be through the power of love, for the sake of love...
06 June 2009
My Journey, My Life...
"As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize..." - Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio
Let me explain why I write these blogs...
Yes, this blog is a tool for my ventilation, my creativity, my emotional baggage and everything and anything in-between, but it's more than just a diary, journal, blog, or just to escape into my own thoughts and have it be publicized in this manner. It is also a journey I wish to partake. It provides a guidance of my memories, reflection and reference for myself to repair my traumas and heal my soul to grow in maturity. What I say in this blog is by logic, common sense, (sometimes) facts, my observations, and through my own eyes, ideas and thoughts. Though I might get into some quite intimate/descriptive details of my life as well as my shared experiences with others (eg- exes, friends, family member, acquaintances, and even strangers), I feel my experiences and the knowledge and understanding of my everyday life must be accrued on this blog, despite the publicity. Sometimes I even forget I have an audience; thus, this blog is more for me and my reference so I can understand my own world and the lives that I eventually impact.
Even in the reality I put forth in what I blog, I can lose sight of my own self (when I am being deeply negative or extremely naive or any numerous other moments in life) and develop issues like all people. Thus, for everyone else, I only come to publicize my thoughts, actions, feelings, and words to provide such insight into my world. Other people who deal with their own personal battles can choose to gain insight from another person's findings and words like mine. Then again, it doesn't matter if you choose to find this amusing or at all insightful. I just choose to share, like all significant people, all that I have to offer in my words so that maybe people can find a place where they can relate to and find meanings in their lives. The purpose of my blog are the Three L's: Life. Love. Lust. This blog is to give not only myself an insight of my experiences, but also to bring that to others.
It is just like someone who is very close to my heart (and she is still) once said, "Unless you’ve lived my life, don’t judge me because you don’t know, never have, and never will know every little thing and detail about me..." This is true and is spoken with much fervor for what is believed within her. Now, I know I don't have the know-all, be-all essential information that causes such arrogance or self-righteousness within me to start believing that I completely "KNOW SOMEONE" or can be an expert to give any advice. Which is the reason why I can only come from a perspective of my own. With her impact of words, I can only explain my reasoning of such things that have impacted my life over a slice of a moment that I had reading this. I am still searching to find who I am and as I understand the world, other people, and life itself.
In this case, I can't live another person's life nor do I try to intentionally and righteously judge a person. Details of someone's life can only be witnessed through experiences shared with those other persons. And even then, it is still a vague experience, unless the connection and depth of the experience is resonant to one, few, or all parties involved. The point I'm making is that people decide for their own life whether or not others will impact their lives as well as the reflections that others have within themselves by experiencing a moment with another person. I admit to the fact that even in my generalizations and assumptions, facts and observations, and even the perception of life I have are only my own to experience. I don't know anyone except myself, and can only experience what is inside of me. However, some people don't see that sometimes, people impact other people's lives. (Kinda like the contagiousness of a smile...)
Therefore, I log and document most of many experiences in this public journal, knowing full well that I want to impact others in my search to understand my own philosophies of life and show a bit of understanding of my life. Whether that can provide insight, courage, amusement, disgust, or otherwise, is up to you...
This is just my journey of my life...
Let me explain why I write these blogs...
Yes, this blog is a tool for my ventilation, my creativity, my emotional baggage and everything and anything in-between, but it's more than just a diary, journal, blog, or just to escape into my own thoughts and have it be publicized in this manner. It is also a journey I wish to partake. It provides a guidance of my memories, reflection and reference for myself to repair my traumas and heal my soul to grow in maturity. What I say in this blog is by logic, common sense, (sometimes) facts, my observations, and through my own eyes, ideas and thoughts. Though I might get into some quite intimate/descriptive details of my life as well as my shared experiences with others (eg- exes, friends, family member, acquaintances, and even strangers), I feel my experiences and the knowledge and understanding of my everyday life must be accrued on this blog, despite the publicity. Sometimes I even forget I have an audience; thus, this blog is more for me and my reference so I can understand my own world and the lives that I eventually impact.
Even in the reality I put forth in what I blog, I can lose sight of my own self (when I am being deeply negative or extremely naive or any numerous other moments in life) and develop issues like all people. Thus, for everyone else, I only come to publicize my thoughts, actions, feelings, and words to provide such insight into my world. Other people who deal with their own personal battles can choose to gain insight from another person's findings and words like mine. Then again, it doesn't matter if you choose to find this amusing or at all insightful. I just choose to share, like all significant people, all that I have to offer in my words so that maybe people can find a place where they can relate to and find meanings in their lives. The purpose of my blog are the Three L's: Life. Love. Lust. This blog is to give not only myself an insight of my experiences, but also to bring that to others.
It is just like someone who is very close to my heart (and she is still) once said, "Unless you’ve lived my life, don’t judge me because you don’t know, never have, and never will know every little thing and detail about me..." This is true and is spoken with much fervor for what is believed within her. Now, I know I don't have the know-all, be-all essential information that causes such arrogance or self-righteousness within me to start believing that I completely "KNOW SOMEONE" or can be an expert to give any advice. Which is the reason why I can only come from a perspective of my own. With her impact of words, I can only explain my reasoning of such things that have impacted my life over a slice of a moment that I had reading this. I am still searching to find who I am and as I understand the world, other people, and life itself.
In this case, I can't live another person's life nor do I try to intentionally and righteously judge a person. Details of someone's life can only be witnessed through experiences shared with those other persons. And even then, it is still a vague experience, unless the connection and depth of the experience is resonant to one, few, or all parties involved. The point I'm making is that people decide for their own life whether or not others will impact their lives as well as the reflections that others have within themselves by experiencing a moment with another person. I admit to the fact that even in my generalizations and assumptions, facts and observations, and even the perception of life I have are only my own to experience. I don't know anyone except myself, and can only experience what is inside of me. However, some people don't see that sometimes, people impact other people's lives. (Kinda like the contagiousness of a smile...)
Therefore, I log and document most of many experiences in this public journal, knowing full well that I want to impact others in my search to understand my own philosophies of life and show a bit of understanding of my life. Whether that can provide insight, courage, amusement, disgust, or otherwise, is up to you...
This is just my journey of my life...
16 May 2009
Love and Forgiveness...
I want to give love to everyone.
I want to receive love by everyone.
For few, I can name those who misunderstood my love that I give.
To those, my love seems like I can't let go, back/forth, making passes, not worth being a friend, or by their reasons, my giving of "too much love." However, when I realized my confidence to face my inner demons, it made my mind clearer and I realized that I can truly give love always.
With my love, I bring to everyone happiness, peace, mutual respect, friendship, trust and especially, positive love so those I give love to will give love to others. I do this in the fullest emotional capacity - give love on all levels to prove LOVE REALLY DOES CONQUER ALL. Letting go of fears from any doubt of love is amazing. Its impact affects all in the capacity to feel love. Just try it.
Thus, I ask for forgiveness from whatever animosity, wrongdoing, and misconceptions of me from those who have misunderstood this love I give. I want nothing more than the mutual respect I deserve, and because I do forgive them for what harm or animosity they have put upon me. I only ask this forgiveness because their love relates me to the freedom of inner peace that I, like all people, deserve.
For instance, with me being one less person to feel animosity towards, once that person gives in mutual respect and forgiveness, they will see love capable of surpassing all the negativity in the world and bringing them closer to giving out love and having a sheild from harm. Who would want to harm someone who gives nothing but love? The positivity in love outweighs any negative harm wanting to be done to someone who gives love. Which is why I dare give love endlessly and with all the capacity of love in me.
With freedom by loving always and by forgiving others, I can set my soul free from any harm. I will not stop giving love, I will always keep my heart open to those that want love and I will always show forgiveness.
Even if I have my mistakes, I know I am not perfect, which is why I ask to be forgiven by any of my misconceptions and mistakes.
For those that might have scorned me, burned me, blocked me, deleted me, hurt me, abused me, hated me, despised me, ridiculed me, and all the reasons to dislike or hate me, I forgive you. I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU. (^_^)b
All I ask now is forgiveness in return from the following people:
My Father
Tara Shaw
Christine Mergillano-Banda
Jenee Jue
Tawny Leong
Valerie Elvira Morales
Mai Nguyen
Maribel Hermosillo
*This list ranges from family, childhood bullies, crushes, friends, and exes.
*This is all I ask fron each of them.
*These are the only eight people I need to ask forgiveness from.
*This list is actually small because all others in my life understand my capacity of love and/or have forgiven me as I have them.
*People in my life deserve to be loved without any animosity between us.
*NO ONE deserves to be scorned, burned, ignored, hurt, abused, hated, despised, ridiculed, or even all the reasons to be disliked or hated.
*NO ONE DESERVES THAT OR HAS THE HUMAN RIGHT TO DO SO TO OTHERS. IT'S JUST PLAIN HURTFUL TO THE HUMAN SPIRIT.
I am starting to understand now why all those saints, monks, Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah, and all of those who reached the fullest capacity to give love in every religion, faith, belief, and spirituality, unconditionally give love constantly.
It's an amazing feeling to know that due to loving always, no one can stop me or harm me at all. It's an energy force field that reflects and protects me with positivity and giving that warm fuzzy feeling that is love; an enlightened life worth living by all means in the fullest capacity of love.
I might be unemployed, slightly homeless, without money, and without a partner to connect to, but I have something no one can take from me: LOVE.
YOU can do this as well...
To love beyond any reason or doubt...
Give forgiveness and let go of the precursor of any animosity...
Just love with all your heart...
To not give love to others is just plain ridiculous...
I give love to others as I am doing for myself, and I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE...YOU SHOULD TRY IT TOO!
(^_^)v
I want to receive love by everyone.
For few, I can name those who misunderstood my love that I give.
To those, my love seems like I can't let go, back/forth, making passes, not worth being a friend, or by their reasons, my giving of "too much love." However, when I realized my confidence to face my inner demons, it made my mind clearer and I realized that I can truly give love always.
With my love, I bring to everyone happiness, peace, mutual respect, friendship, trust and especially, positive love so those I give love to will give love to others. I do this in the fullest emotional capacity - give love on all levels to prove LOVE REALLY DOES CONQUER ALL. Letting go of fears from any doubt of love is amazing. Its impact affects all in the capacity to feel love. Just try it.
Thus, I ask for forgiveness from whatever animosity, wrongdoing, and misconceptions of me from those who have misunderstood this love I give. I want nothing more than the mutual respect I deserve, and because I do forgive them for what harm or animosity they have put upon me. I only ask this forgiveness because their love relates me to the freedom of inner peace that I, like all people, deserve.
For instance, with me being one less person to feel animosity towards, once that person gives in mutual respect and forgiveness, they will see love capable of surpassing all the negativity in the world and bringing them closer to giving out love and having a sheild from harm. Who would want to harm someone who gives nothing but love? The positivity in love outweighs any negative harm wanting to be done to someone who gives love. Which is why I dare give love endlessly and with all the capacity of love in me.
With freedom by loving always and by forgiving others, I can set my soul free from any harm. I will not stop giving love, I will always keep my heart open to those that want love and I will always show forgiveness.
Even if I have my mistakes, I know I am not perfect, which is why I ask to be forgiven by any of my misconceptions and mistakes.
For those that might have scorned me, burned me, blocked me, deleted me, hurt me, abused me, hated me, despised me, ridiculed me, and all the reasons to dislike or hate me, I forgive you. I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU. (^_^)b
All I ask now is forgiveness in return from the following people:
My Father
Tara Shaw
Christine Mergillano-Banda
Jenee Jue
Tawny Leong
Valerie Elvira Morales
Mai Nguyen
Maribel Hermosillo
*This list ranges from family, childhood bullies, crushes, friends, and exes.
*This is all I ask fron each of them.
*These are the only eight people I need to ask forgiveness from.
*This list is actually small because all others in my life understand my capacity of love and/or have forgiven me as I have them.
*People in my life deserve to be loved without any animosity between us.
*NO ONE deserves to be scorned, burned, ignored, hurt, abused, hated, despised, ridiculed, or even all the reasons to be disliked or hated.
*NO ONE DESERVES THAT OR HAS THE HUMAN RIGHT TO DO SO TO OTHERS. IT'S JUST PLAIN HURTFUL TO THE HUMAN SPIRIT.
I am starting to understand now why all those saints, monks, Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah, and all of those who reached the fullest capacity to give love in every religion, faith, belief, and spirituality, unconditionally give love constantly.
It's an amazing feeling to know that due to loving always, no one can stop me or harm me at all. It's an energy force field that reflects and protects me with positivity and giving that warm fuzzy feeling that is love; an enlightened life worth living by all means in the fullest capacity of love.
I might be unemployed, slightly homeless, without money, and without a partner to connect to, but I have something no one can take from me: LOVE.
YOU can do this as well...
To love beyond any reason or doubt...
Give forgiveness and let go of the precursor of any animosity...
Just love with all your heart...
To not give love to others is just plain ridiculous...
I give love to others as I am doing for myself, and I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE...YOU SHOULD TRY IT TOO!
(^_^)v
13 May 2009
My Life....
What burden peaks beneath my harden exterior. I gain much despair, and I'm starting to wonder if I ever really let myself cry yet. After the move, rearranging my life, and seeking to find me, I'm still not there. I'm still not at the place where I can start to heal.
I really have to feel it and cry it out, but my ego/pride tells me that I shouldn't. So much can misdirect my focus and I don't allow myself the time to focus on me.
Misdirections. They must stop.
I have to heal my soul. I must have the courage to feel the pain so that I can be better from now on. I need to alleviate the anxiety I have trying to anticipate pain for the lack of love I feel; I must let go. I must feel love for myself again.
I know it's within me to feel good about the world, about myself, and be assured. Despite having no job, no money, no permanent home, and no lover, I still have family, close friends, love, shelter, security, life, a career to look forward to, a future soul mate that is still somewhere out there, and future stability in myself and my life that I know will be there.
It's still there...I just have to heal myself and remind myself that love can really strengthen a person's soul.
I really have to feel it and cry it out, but my ego/pride tells me that I shouldn't. So much can misdirect my focus and I don't allow myself the time to focus on me.
Misdirections. They must stop.
I have to heal my soul. I must have the courage to feel the pain so that I can be better from now on. I need to alleviate the anxiety I have trying to anticipate pain for the lack of love I feel; I must let go. I must feel love for myself again.
I know it's within me to feel good about the world, about myself, and be assured. Despite having no job, no money, no permanent home, and no lover, I still have family, close friends, love, shelter, security, life, a career to look forward to, a future soul mate that is still somewhere out there, and future stability in myself and my life that I know will be there.
It's still there...I just have to heal myself and remind myself that love can really strengthen a person's soul.
01 May 2009
My way to get better...The Three L's breifly explained and referenced...
Life.
Love.
Lust.
I enable myself on these three L's in my personal philosophy of life and bring myself into the light of my own ascension.
If in doubt, I can only curse myself into pain and angst by losing myself and my reason of purpose. There is nothing more I want than to balance these three core aspects in a complete life, in order to ascend into a new wave and eras of thinking, breathing, and even living.
This is more than just a paradox of what can be given in life, such as the need for purpose in life, or for love and the self-giving, loving others, and appreciating self, or even the lust or determination of life and love and backing up that purpose with the push to believe and excel in all aspects of life. Life intertwines with love and what it can give, these both then intertwine with the core/primitive as well as evolved needs of lust or for the will of survival and determination. I'm going briefly into what I believe are my basis for living and ascending from past thinking, and evolving the human mind, body, soul, and enlightening the human spirit.
I derive these things from books, movies, songs, art, signals, signs, analogy of life, observation of human interactions, lectures, other people's philosophies, conversations, texts, emails, and random sayings that I pick up for any number of reasons. Such examples come from: The Celestine Prophecy, The Four Agreements, The Road Less Traveled, The Matrix, C.R.A.Z.Y., the five D's, lessons from Mr. Colbert, Mrs. Good, Mrs. Gelegan, Miss Rodriguez, Ann and Ardie Bryant, people who have changed my course of living, people from my love life and my own course in life itself thus far. These are just to name a few. I don't need to simply refer evidence of such evolution due to the fact that they are as much about common sense and human logic.
I might have started once before, only leading into the highlights of this complete life I seek, but as I try to understand my own ascension, my own journey weaves more into this world, leading more to find the raw emotions of love.
Right now, I am seeking to find and understand the essence of love, because it is the directional compass of truthful emotions. I can see this love is more prominent within others due to the need of that emotion I grow to find within myself. I know that once love is found within myself, I can maintain my internal compass and live to seek the next steps in life with such guidance. I start with me and go from there.
As a travel more along this path, I elaborate what I witness and record in my memory and writings the findings of my own journey. When I am ready and capable of leading a strong, assured, confident position in my own life, I will show everyone a world that I understand to be the essence of any life and with purpose.
Love. It knows no bounds, and I know I am one of those people to show others that this is so. My capabilities of love ascend more than most people, with such hope and positivity, even though I can get lost at times. Even through my own childhood and adolescence, my love was the epitome of something so great that I believe some people around me resisted such love. In this resistance, I remember that even in my peace and ways of thinking, could not be bonded with by this yet-to-be-evolved way of thinking. Through my suffering, I had to wait for the right moment to find such love and bear the pain of the lack thereof in my life.
However, I've gained so much more strength in love that when I'm in that place of warmth and love, I know the possibilities of that love can become a infinite place of solace; limitless emotional capabilities that can make anyone feel lighter than air. For instance, like Buddhist monks who meditate and can find love beyond bounds, showing happiness in their every moment to following their beliefs in Taoism. Their sense of calmness, wisdom, and content breathe life in a lighter manner. With such emotions shown, this balance given can provide a fuller life. I might not understand completely the ways of how all love and life can be, but in turn, someday soon I will understand that life will be better.
Hope. This reference of emotion in lust/passion will give me the drive to look for life in love. This will give me the need to constantly evolve and mature myself in love and to learn life. Within all the interconnectedness I see, when I can soon understand and believe in me, is when I can understand and believe what IS and that it makes life worthwhile. In my methods, I try to understand everything set forth upon my actions and that they are meant for a reason. They lead not into uncertainty; however, the emotion that is set forth when an action/event is taken (i.e. - sadness, anger, happiness, love, etc.) will be the path that evolves from that direction of intent through such emotion.
What this means is that like when sending the action of love in the world, actions and intent will go along a path of love until the next emotion for events. Many overlap through time, and many go along the same line of actions. This is where life leads to be complex. The hope (emotion) I have that can drive me to do all in my will power(action), like finding self-love(intent), to become a better person(future course of actions). Through this focus, I can become aware that I'm more than capable to create a better life for myself. If signaled through a unity of focused emotions and awareness of all of these, I can soon figure out what leads to my ascension.
Letting go. Releasing my overt control on life. I cannot see reality of the human experience in full effect until I step back and let go of my fears, old habits, and deep-rooted traumas. Without letting go of this and to overcome the giving up on myself and giving into what others believe, instead of believing myself, I know my life that was built up in this chaos cannot supersede itself without realizing what I need to breakdown and release from my immortal soul. Life is, in essence, the natural flow of the human experience.
Throughout my struggles, I have to let go of this fear and what my many past situations led to what my emotions enabled. In order to mature, I have to evolve. I have to "let go" and see what's right in front of me, instead of the jaded version I wish to believe in myself. I have to realize that with these conditioned fears, I have to bring back the confidence I had before in the world. I need to trust in myself and in others that by letting go of that overt control over others and letting my life be taken in by the flow of my own human experience, it will lead me to more happiness and less pain/obstacles in life. Taking ownership of my own life and being clear of what that reality of life is in itself, will define me to become mature and enlightened.
In the sense of this all, I work on myself to live in harmony. I only cater to free my pulls from the reins that I hold myself back from in life. One day, it will be clear to me:
(1) What love and self-love can truly reveal to the highest degree within life,
(2) How hope (lust/passion) can drive the confidence I have to be fearless in life, and
(3) How life will be more content if I just let go and be free from fears.
This is my way to get better...
Love.
Lust.
I enable myself on these three L's in my personal philosophy of life and bring myself into the light of my own ascension.
If in doubt, I can only curse myself into pain and angst by losing myself and my reason of purpose. There is nothing more I want than to balance these three core aspects in a complete life, in order to ascend into a new wave and eras of thinking, breathing, and even living.
This is more than just a paradox of what can be given in life, such as the need for purpose in life, or for love and the self-giving, loving others, and appreciating self, or even the lust or determination of life and love and backing up that purpose with the push to believe and excel in all aspects of life. Life intertwines with love and what it can give, these both then intertwine with the core/primitive as well as evolved needs of lust or for the will of survival and determination. I'm going briefly into what I believe are my basis for living and ascending from past thinking, and evolving the human mind, body, soul, and enlightening the human spirit.
I derive these things from books, movies, songs, art, signals, signs, analogy of life, observation of human interactions, lectures, other people's philosophies, conversations, texts, emails, and random sayings that I pick up for any number of reasons. Such examples come from: The Celestine Prophecy, The Four Agreements, The Road Less Traveled, The Matrix, C.R.A.Z.Y., the five D's, lessons from Mr. Colbert, Mrs. Good, Mrs. Gelegan, Miss Rodriguez, Ann and Ardie Bryant, people who have changed my course of living, people from my love life and my own course in life itself thus far. These are just to name a few. I don't need to simply refer evidence of such evolution due to the fact that they are as much about common sense and human logic.
I might have started once before, only leading into the highlights of this complete life I seek, but as I try to understand my own ascension, my own journey weaves more into this world, leading more to find the raw emotions of love.
Right now, I am seeking to find and understand the essence of love, because it is the directional compass of truthful emotions. I can see this love is more prominent within others due to the need of that emotion I grow to find within myself. I know that once love is found within myself, I can maintain my internal compass and live to seek the next steps in life with such guidance. I start with me and go from there.
As a travel more along this path, I elaborate what I witness and record in my memory and writings the findings of my own journey. When I am ready and capable of leading a strong, assured, confident position in my own life, I will show everyone a world that I understand to be the essence of any life and with purpose.
Love. It knows no bounds, and I know I am one of those people to show others that this is so. My capabilities of love ascend more than most people, with such hope and positivity, even though I can get lost at times. Even through my own childhood and adolescence, my love was the epitome of something so great that I believe some people around me resisted such love. In this resistance, I remember that even in my peace and ways of thinking, could not be bonded with by this yet-to-be-evolved way of thinking. Through my suffering, I had to wait for the right moment to find such love and bear the pain of the lack thereof in my life.
However, I've gained so much more strength in love that when I'm in that place of warmth and love, I know the possibilities of that love can become a infinite place of solace; limitless emotional capabilities that can make anyone feel lighter than air. For instance, like Buddhist monks who meditate and can find love beyond bounds, showing happiness in their every moment to following their beliefs in Taoism. Their sense of calmness, wisdom, and content breathe life in a lighter manner. With such emotions shown, this balance given can provide a fuller life. I might not understand completely the ways of how all love and life can be, but in turn, someday soon I will understand that life will be better.
Hope. This reference of emotion in lust/passion will give me the drive to look for life in love. This will give me the need to constantly evolve and mature myself in love and to learn life. Within all the interconnectedness I see, when I can soon understand and believe in me, is when I can understand and believe what IS and that it makes life worthwhile. In my methods, I try to understand everything set forth upon my actions and that they are meant for a reason. They lead not into uncertainty; however, the emotion that is set forth when an action/event is taken (i.e. - sadness, anger, happiness, love, etc.) will be the path that evolves from that direction of intent through such emotion.
What this means is that like when sending the action of love in the world, actions and intent will go along a path of love until the next emotion for events. Many overlap through time, and many go along the same line of actions. This is where life leads to be complex. The hope (emotion) I have that can drive me to do all in my will power(action), like finding self-love(intent), to become a better person(future course of actions). Through this focus, I can become aware that I'm more than capable to create a better life for myself. If signaled through a unity of focused emotions and awareness of all of these, I can soon figure out what leads to my ascension.
Letting go. Releasing my overt control on life. I cannot see reality of the human experience in full effect until I step back and let go of my fears, old habits, and deep-rooted traumas. Without letting go of this and to overcome the giving up on myself and giving into what others believe, instead of believing myself, I know my life that was built up in this chaos cannot supersede itself without realizing what I need to breakdown and release from my immortal soul. Life is, in essence, the natural flow of the human experience.
Throughout my struggles, I have to let go of this fear and what my many past situations led to what my emotions enabled. In order to mature, I have to evolve. I have to "let go" and see what's right in front of me, instead of the jaded version I wish to believe in myself. I have to realize that with these conditioned fears, I have to bring back the confidence I had before in the world. I need to trust in myself and in others that by letting go of that overt control over others and letting my life be taken in by the flow of my own human experience, it will lead me to more happiness and less pain/obstacles in life. Taking ownership of my own life and being clear of what that reality of life is in itself, will define me to become mature and enlightened.
In the sense of this all, I work on myself to live in harmony. I only cater to free my pulls from the reins that I hold myself back from in life. One day, it will be clear to me:
(1) What love and self-love can truly reveal to the highest degree within life,
(2) How hope (lust/passion) can drive the confidence I have to be fearless in life, and
(3) How life will be more content if I just let go and be free from fears.
This is my way to get better...
27 April 2009
The Power To Love On All Levels
Again, here is my epiphany.
Am I designed to fully let go of my mortal self and find solace in the higher vibrations that are within me? This is a question that cannot be answered without merely letting go...
I always give love, I always show love, I always try to give compassion towards others. That does increase ten-fold when I'm interested in the woman and I naturally become actively aware of how much love I can give, without warning.
Whether it is my allure, charm, or enchantment that I have, my platinum heart and the souls that I can bear out themselves to the core in such a quick moment, or my quick-to-love unreasoned self that sought love in others rather than within myself, I believe it is all of these that combine within me. These must be worked to give that greater love, especially by letting go of all fear and become fearless to give into love. Once this can be done, I can be one of many to create that love and have the power to uniquely give this love on all levels.
It is definitely time for me to really a see if my love can become the real power that cannot be surmounted with doubt, pain, angst, resistance or hate. For this nth-teenth time, I realize that I am an intense lover. I don't just mean that in the sense of lust or passion, but I mean that I also do so when it comes to giving all in a relationship, friendship, and for family.
When I have fully given into the power of true love, and when that day my soul can unite with the other, those who have come to know my love, will understand and believe more than anyone else that love can truly conquer all...
It's not delusion or subjugation to the loss of love that invokes such words within me....it's the epiphany that I can become more than just a mere mortal in a realm where love is possible on more than one level...
Am I designed to fully let go of my mortal self and find solace in the higher vibrations that are within me? This is a question that cannot be answered without merely letting go...
I always give love, I always show love, I always try to give compassion towards others. That does increase ten-fold when I'm interested in the woman and I naturally become actively aware of how much love I can give, without warning.
Whether it is my allure, charm, or enchantment that I have, my platinum heart and the souls that I can bear out themselves to the core in such a quick moment, or my quick-to-love unreasoned self that sought love in others rather than within myself, I believe it is all of these that combine within me. These must be worked to give that greater love, especially by letting go of all fear and become fearless to give into love. Once this can be done, I can be one of many to create that love and have the power to uniquely give this love on all levels.
It is definitely time for me to really a see if my love can become the real power that cannot be surmounted with doubt, pain, angst, resistance or hate. For this nth-teenth time, I realize that I am an intense lover. I don't just mean that in the sense of lust or passion, but I mean that I also do so when it comes to giving all in a relationship, friendship, and for family.
When I have fully given into the power of true love, and when that day my soul can unite with the other, those who have come to know my love, will understand and believe more than anyone else that love can truly conquer all...
It's not delusion or subjugation to the loss of love that invokes such words within me....it's the epiphany that I can become more than just a mere mortal in a realm where love is possible on more than one level...
23 April 2009
I'm drowning...
It's not just love that has gone to shit in my life. It's everything.
Losing love.
Losing shelter.
Losing career.
Losing financial stability.
Losing any hopes I had for a better life.
And losing myself in the whole process.
I can't find anything more than just the tune in my head of "What about your friends?" from TLC.
The chorus that keeps repeating in my head.
"What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down again?
Ohh..
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?"
~TLC
I can't get the picture out of my head when one of the people who really affected my life and how it tore me down completely is now friends with someone who I insisted to trust with my whole heart. I fear that their friendship will cancel out mine and whatever I have left with the person I deemed to love the most (not the one who crushed my soul...it's the one I connect my soul to..). I can't talk to my other friends that I have, cause now it's in a whirlwind in my mind. What happens if things don't end up okay after this? Where are the friends I can trust?? I guess I need someone who does understand me...or at least once I've understood myself...
Where are my friends? And why can't my trust evolve from this lonely, disconnected, welled-up-with-fear place that it's in...
My life is in shambles...I'm drowning in more debt that I didn't expect to arise...I'm about to become homeless...and I still can't find a job to even just sustain my rent and bills...
What will become of me now?
Losing love.
Losing shelter.
Losing career.
Losing financial stability.
Losing any hopes I had for a better life.
And losing myself in the whole process.
I can't find anything more than just the tune in my head of "What about your friends?" from TLC.
The chorus that keeps repeating in my head.
"What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down again?
Ohh..
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?"
~TLC
I can't get the picture out of my head when one of the people who really affected my life and how it tore me down completely is now friends with someone who I insisted to trust with my whole heart. I fear that their friendship will cancel out mine and whatever I have left with the person I deemed to love the most (not the one who crushed my soul...it's the one I connect my soul to..). I can't talk to my other friends that I have, cause now it's in a whirlwind in my mind. What happens if things don't end up okay after this? Where are the friends I can trust?? I guess I need someone who does understand me...or at least once I've understood myself...
Where are my friends? And why can't my trust evolve from this lonely, disconnected, welled-up-with-fear place that it's in...
My life is in shambles...I'm drowning in more debt that I didn't expect to arise...I'm about to become homeless...and I still can't find a job to even just sustain my rent and bills...
What will become of me now?
18 April 2009
My Moments Alone...and My Moments with Her...
I'm finally home, got in around 7:30am. I take a bit of a nap, but end up waking up 2 hours later cause I've already had my share of sleep. So I've spent my entire day alone at home...
Whenever I am alone, I always find myself within thought after thought. It's difficult to find peace in my mind, especially when I self-indulge myself with situations that keep me running away from myself - the internet, blogging, playing/composing music, watching tv, etc. It can be productive sometimes, but most of the time it is counter-productive. Instead, I should be self-reflecting and facing my fears that I have.
I am gaining more difficult challenges in the face of my life. Somehow, it tends to be more about my job and financial situation. Right now, I need to work harder to find the right path. I will not have myself and old habits ruining the outcome of my future (or at least setting it back). I have hit this bump many times on my path to enlightenment, and I seriously need a strong encouragement, especially the strength of love inside me. I gotta find that love inside me, finish what I need to do, and find the light of courage within me to audition, interview, apply, and ask everywhere possible if I am going to survive. When next week comes, I will find myself in that crunch time.
LOVE will have to be about me first, because my LIFE is gaining some big obligations.
And that's all about me... I gotta find this place to grow productively and really find my place in this chaotic sphere called Earth...I gotta find my purpose and find me.
The only times I don't spend alone, are probably when she calls me after work. How I do wish I could express how I feel about her to her...but right now still isn't the right moment...I LOVE her and she knows it. I admit it in some ways, but I know she's not ready to feel that vulnerable. Trust...it's an issue of trust...and it's just awesome that I can enjoy her company and find myself at peace with her at nights and in my dreams. It's where I find out that when she does have her plans, I can see I'm not in that mix at this moment. That's when I know I have to find me, get myself started and my career so that I can do the same in my life. Make plans just for me.
Maybe I am just too silly...actually, maybe it's time for just me...the small letting go process where I suddenly don't seek out the other soul I keep connected in my heart...
Just let go.
This will change everything.
My mannerisms will slowly change to platonic.
Love will just be a memory.
No longer will love be an active feeling.
Creating my last breath of healing,
Just to let go of the feeling.
I'm not losing faith;
I'm gaining strength.
I love her with all my heart,
I must give her the chance to want me back.
Maybe just letting go will show where she stands with her feelings towards me.
Without me, will she think of me?
A risk I would not like to take, but if she'd rather do the same, then I should too.
Don't say I gave up without a fight, cause I'm still fighting for that love.
It's in my pride not to admit that I do expect her phone calls...and when she decides that maybe she should no longer call, and decide to get a new numbers...
Then I'll admit that I was delusional all along.
However, until then, I still fight the fight, knowing her heart still possesses the spark of love still inside her...and that I'm really still giving her that room to grow and find it out for herself...However long it takes...I'll be there...
Whenever I am alone, I always find myself within thought after thought. It's difficult to find peace in my mind, especially when I self-indulge myself with situations that keep me running away from myself - the internet, blogging, playing/composing music, watching tv, etc. It can be productive sometimes, but most of the time it is counter-productive. Instead, I should be self-reflecting and facing my fears that I have.
I am gaining more difficult challenges in the face of my life. Somehow, it tends to be more about my job and financial situation. Right now, I need to work harder to find the right path. I will not have myself and old habits ruining the outcome of my future (or at least setting it back). I have hit this bump many times on my path to enlightenment, and I seriously need a strong encouragement, especially the strength of love inside me. I gotta find that love inside me, finish what I need to do, and find the light of courage within me to audition, interview, apply, and ask everywhere possible if I am going to survive. When next week comes, I will find myself in that crunch time.
LOVE will have to be about me first, because my LIFE is gaining some big obligations.
And that's all about me... I gotta find this place to grow productively and really find my place in this chaotic sphere called Earth...I gotta find my purpose and find me.
The only times I don't spend alone, are probably when she calls me after work. How I do wish I could express how I feel about her to her...but right now still isn't the right moment...I LOVE her and she knows it. I admit it in some ways, but I know she's not ready to feel that vulnerable. Trust...it's an issue of trust...and it's just awesome that I can enjoy her company and find myself at peace with her at nights and in my dreams. It's where I find out that when she does have her plans, I can see I'm not in that mix at this moment. That's when I know I have to find me, get myself started and my career so that I can do the same in my life. Make plans just for me.
Maybe I am just too silly...actually, maybe it's time for just me...the small letting go process where I suddenly don't seek out the other soul I keep connected in my heart...
Just let go.
This will change everything.
My mannerisms will slowly change to platonic.
Love will just be a memory.
No longer will love be an active feeling.
Creating my last breath of healing,
Just to let go of the feeling.
I'm not losing faith;
I'm gaining strength.
I love her with all my heart,
I must give her the chance to want me back.
Maybe just letting go will show where she stands with her feelings towards me.
Without me, will she think of me?
A risk I would not like to take, but if she'd rather do the same, then I should too.
Don't say I gave up without a fight, cause I'm still fighting for that love.
It's in my pride not to admit that I do expect her phone calls...and when she decides that maybe she should no longer call, and decide to get a new numbers...
Then I'll admit that I was delusional all along.
However, until then, I still fight the fight, knowing her heart still possesses the spark of love still inside her...and that I'm really still giving her that room to grow and find it out for herself...However long it takes...I'll be there...
Finding out that I'm really in love...and drama that I actually wasn't a part of...
Out of all the signs, I know that I am meant to be where I am with whom I love. In the many times that I was impatient and pushed things to happen, I just have to have confidence in what I have and where I am at. By saying this, I mean the crazy things that can happen in just a night.
Tonight, I had the most interesting night with Crystal, her girl that she's dating, and her friends, at her birthday party at Tokyo Delves (which is an awesome place for sushi, btw). Entertainment, Sake bombs and food went on for about 2 hours and people getting in their altered states of minds and that was the happy time. We were supposed to end up in WeHo at Truck Stop when we were done, but ended up driving back drunken, sick people to Long Beach. As the drive continued from North Hollywood to Long Beach (with me driving), I've gotten to know the girls and Crystal's new girl, Tabitha. However, while driving, there was drama and convos over the girls and something about friends touching up on each other and the birthday girl, Tabitha being called Brittney, which is Crystal's ex-gf, people being written on with eye liner, these drunk ass women and wanting to throw up, and what not. That bit of drama happened only in an hour, and I had to calm down Tabitha, Crystal and all the girls. Tabitha, ended up getting heated (thank goodness she rode shotgun or there would have been a fight in the back), and I just had to distract her from getting into that fight. By the time we got to Crystal's apartment, Tabitha wanted to leave to go back and head to Truck Stop, but instead, I convinced her that it would be late getting back and to just drink out everything at the apartment and just chill it all down, especially since the girls felt bad about what went down.
So Tabitha and I, went on a beer run, and we talked about her drama from the car on the way for alcohol and back. I got to know and understand that she and Crystal are in this blossoming relationship, even if they are just dating. She doesn't want things to be drama-filled and decided to drop what went down in the car. She was also there when I did kiss Crystal last wednesday at Booby Trap, but all that drama was squashed and we talked it out too. I did have my bit of drama, but I'm glad I was driving (and wasn't that drunk) and that I was not in that whole mess that just happened in the car. Dra-ma. That is all I can say. Dra-ma.
Tabitha actually is a cool person, and I'm glad that she is civilized and calm enough to sort out things. I do hope her dating situation with Crystal does work out. With her understanding (even being only 22), she made me realize that there are people willing to be adults, sort out things, and can end the drama. She also made me realize that there are younger people who do understand these things despite their age.
So everything's all okay, a few drinks and more talks at the house happened and now everyone is sleeping. The only thing for me is trying to get back to my house tomorrow. O_o
For me tonight though, I'm glad that I didn't get into any of this new drama. I'm happy and very proud that all I could think about was Maribel. And when she called, all I wanted was to keep talking to her, tell her about my day, and hear about hers. But I know only to do that slowly with her.
All I think about now, as I lay here blogging from my phone ready to take my lil nap is what Maribel said to me before we ended or conversation, "Well, it's all a process." When she told me this and we were talking about each other and about working things out, I could tell that light of love is still there in her. Drama may have happened tonight, but for me its an ending of that drama. I'm slowly getting out of it and ridding myself of old habits as well. My drama is on its own level and must be dealt with when with Maribel, who makes me smile everytime I'm talking to her.
I'm really in love with Maribel and I can see that we're working this through...I can't wait to be silly with her (if she isn't already)... (^_^)v
Tonight was an interesting night, didn't think I'd be here in Long Beach, or with a bunch of girls and their drama-filled drunkeness. However, all I know and can think about is my one and only, Maribel...
Her tender loving care keeps me knowing that I'm getting stronger inside with this trust I have for her...and that I am really in love...
Tonight, I had the most interesting night with Crystal, her girl that she's dating, and her friends, at her birthday party at Tokyo Delves (which is an awesome place for sushi, btw). Entertainment, Sake bombs and food went on for about 2 hours and people getting in their altered states of minds and that was the happy time. We were supposed to end up in WeHo at Truck Stop when we were done, but ended up driving back drunken, sick people to Long Beach. As the drive continued from North Hollywood to Long Beach (with me driving), I've gotten to know the girls and Crystal's new girl, Tabitha. However, while driving, there was drama and convos over the girls and something about friends touching up on each other and the birthday girl, Tabitha being called Brittney, which is Crystal's ex-gf, people being written on with eye liner, these drunk ass women and wanting to throw up, and what not. That bit of drama happened only in an hour, and I had to calm down Tabitha, Crystal and all the girls. Tabitha, ended up getting heated (thank goodness she rode shotgun or there would have been a fight in the back), and I just had to distract her from getting into that fight. By the time we got to Crystal's apartment, Tabitha wanted to leave to go back and head to Truck Stop, but instead, I convinced her that it would be late getting back and to just drink out everything at the apartment and just chill it all down, especially since the girls felt bad about what went down.
So Tabitha and I, went on a beer run, and we talked about her drama from the car on the way for alcohol and back. I got to know and understand that she and Crystal are in this blossoming relationship, even if they are just dating. She doesn't want things to be drama-filled and decided to drop what went down in the car. She was also there when I did kiss Crystal last wednesday at Booby Trap, but all that drama was squashed and we talked it out too. I did have my bit of drama, but I'm glad I was driving (and wasn't that drunk) and that I was not in that whole mess that just happened in the car. Dra-ma. That is all I can say. Dra-ma.
Tabitha actually is a cool person, and I'm glad that she is civilized and calm enough to sort out things. I do hope her dating situation with Crystal does work out. With her understanding (even being only 22), she made me realize that there are people willing to be adults, sort out things, and can end the drama. She also made me realize that there are younger people who do understand these things despite their age.
So everything's all okay, a few drinks and more talks at the house happened and now everyone is sleeping. The only thing for me is trying to get back to my house tomorrow. O_o
For me tonight though, I'm glad that I didn't get into any of this new drama. I'm happy and very proud that all I could think about was Maribel. And when she called, all I wanted was to keep talking to her, tell her about my day, and hear about hers. But I know only to do that slowly with her.
All I think about now, as I lay here blogging from my phone ready to take my lil nap is what Maribel said to me before we ended or conversation, "Well, it's all a process." When she told me this and we were talking about each other and about working things out, I could tell that light of love is still there in her. Drama may have happened tonight, but for me its an ending of that drama. I'm slowly getting out of it and ridding myself of old habits as well. My drama is on its own level and must be dealt with when with Maribel, who makes me smile everytime I'm talking to her.
I'm really in love with Maribel and I can see that we're working this through...I can't wait to be silly with her (if she isn't already)... (^_^)v
Tonight was an interesting night, didn't think I'd be here in Long Beach, or with a bunch of girls and their drama-filled drunkeness. However, all I know and can think about is my one and only, Maribel...
Her tender loving care keeps me knowing that I'm getting stronger inside with this trust I have for her...and that I am really in love...
17 April 2009
Hope, Wish, Ponder, Wonder, Wait, Ask, Beg, Demand, and Stop.
This song obviously states my love for someone and whether or not I should hope, wish, ponder,wonder, and/or wait for something to happen as well as either ask, beg and/or demand for answers, or just simply stop everything and drop it.
Hope with all your heart.
Hope from the very start.
Hope that we won't part.
Hope that heals my heart.
Wish you were even here.
Wish things were more clear.
Wish I was more near.
Wish to not end in tears.
Ponder what could've been.
Ponder if you'll forgive my sin.
Ponder when you'll look within.
Ponder how to find a way in.
Cause I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, or should I stop
To...
Wonder where our love went.
Wonder why you're what heaven sent.
Wonder why I'm broken and bent.
Wonder if you loved me then.
Wait to just hear from you.
Wait to know what's true.
Wait, only your heart will do.
Wait, I still love you.
Ask about our second chance.
Ask if you'd give me a glance.
Ask you to look at our romance.
Ask me where is my stance.
When I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, ir must I stop
When I...
Beg, beg, beg, and plea.
Beg, why you can't to see.
Beg and didn't want it to be.
Beg is when you left me.
Demand a life together.
Demand to be forever.
Demand our love end never.
Demand our bond doesn't severe.
Stop not me when I say this.
Stop, don't go off and kiss.
Stop, think about our bliss.
Stop, cause its you I miss.
So I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, that we don't stop
And just...
Tell me, is it all said and gone?
Tell me, am I the only one?
Tell me, are your thoughts all done?
Or has our love truly won?
Even after hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, or if I dare to stop?
Please feel free to listen to it at:
http://www.reverbnation.com/ferlynalarconfonseca
Let me know what you think. (^_^)v
http://www.reverbnation.com/ferlynalarconfonseca
Let me know what you think. (^_^)v
HopeWishPonderWonderWaitAskBegDemand or Stop
by Ferlyn Alarcon Fonseca
by Ferlyn Alarcon Fonseca
Hope with all your heart.
Hope from the very start.
Hope that we won't part.
Hope that heals my heart.
Wish you were even here.
Wish things were more clear.
Wish I was more near.
Wish to not end in tears.
Ponder what could've been.
Ponder if you'll forgive my sin.
Ponder when you'll look within.
Ponder how to find a way in.
Cause I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, or should I stop
To...
Wonder where our love went.
Wonder why you're what heaven sent.
Wonder why I'm broken and bent.
Wonder if you loved me then.
Wait to just hear from you.
Wait to know what's true.
Wait, only your heart will do.
Wait, I still love you.
Ask about our second chance.
Ask if you'd give me a glance.
Ask you to look at our romance.
Ask me where is my stance.
When I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, ir must I stop
When I...
Beg, beg, beg, and plea.
Beg, why you can't to see.
Beg and didn't want it to be.
Beg is when you left me.
Demand a life together.
Demand to be forever.
Demand our love end never.
Demand our bond doesn't severe.
Stop not me when I say this.
Stop, don't go off and kiss.
Stop, think about our bliss.
Stop, cause its you I miss.
So I'm hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, that we don't stop
And just...
Tell me, is it all said and gone?
Tell me, am I the only one?
Tell me, are your thoughts all done?
Or has our love truly won?
Even after hoping, wishing, pondering,
Wondering, waiting, asking,
Begging, demanding, or if I dare to stop?
16 April 2009
Silly to love or be afraid?
Ppl must think me silly to love the way I do, give and extend love, not expecting to receive any possible reciprocation of a powerful emotion. Many people might believe it so. Many people whom I trust would find me silly. My trust in her gives me no confirmation if she does or will show it, but yet I still do - willingly, with trust, and happy to deject others trying to take her place from my heart. Is it silly?
SO Is it more silly to be afraid then? Afraid to love, afraid to express how you feel? Go through internal torment, not knowing you lay your heart out to feel this emotional happiness? I admit, it happened before.
HOWEVER, I know her love is real in my <3.
I am happy feeling the way I feel, because I know that she shows how she feels about me slowly and I know she's working through it all to find if her love is there. Will she act silly too? Either way, I still <3 her.
She is definitely the woman. (^_^)v
She is the one I see in my dreams, and the one I feel a connection to. My soul will always be in her grasp (especially if she concentrated enough to find that out). More and more I see this part of me lift up whenever I am seeking out her energy. I give her the same energy back, and its just amazing....it is very liberating to be committed to something and have that trust be overflowed. I won't have to worry about anything when I know her soul is ever-growing with that love....
14 April 2009
The Myspace Files: Recommended Readings
About the Myspace Files. Are you ready?? These files are based on the Three L's that I go through searching through life...Some readings are more focused on the life one must look at...and others just go about my daily rants...overall...I think you'll like what you find...and maybe you'll understand my wave of thinking...
The Recommended Readings:
2008 -
14 Nov - 1:24PM: The Tale of Love
Obstacles form, will love prevail? Look into love and the work that must be done
14 Oct - 12:44PM: Life and Love: Being a Switch
14 Oct - 12:44PM: Life and Love: Being a Switch
Are you a top? Are you a bottom? Here is an analytical view of Tops and Bottoms...
13 Sep - 8:43PM: The Soul with a Platinum Heart...
13 Sep - 8:43PM: The Soul with a Platinum Heart...
When a heart is worn on the sleeve...can it be unscathed from the harm of others??
29 Aug - 9:17PM: O_o FEED ME!!!
A list full of what you'd feed your soul with too...
26 Apr - 1:27PM: The Five Standards.
My Standards first and foremost when finding someone. What's yours??
2 Feb - 7:46PM: Lesbian Amnesia...
29 Aug - 9:17PM: O_o FEED ME!!!
A list full of what you'd feed your soul with too...
26 Apr - 1:27PM: The Five Standards.
My Standards first and foremost when finding someone. What's yours??
2 Feb - 7:46PM: Lesbian Amnesia...
A guide to getting over your ex(es).
2007 -
17 Jun - 3:02PM: Addiction...
An explanation of the Three L's.
25 Apr - 4:26PM: Something Old for Something New...
The IWNGIWSW (I Will Not Get Involved With Straight Women) Chapter part II..."Straight Women don't fall for Lesbians."
2006 -
20 Nov - 4:24AM: There are Temptations for Lesbians Too!! (O_o)
Lesbians have the drama of being tempted...like girls that play the game that Katy Perry plays in "I kissed a girl."
14 Nov - 7:32PM: OMG...How can this happen???
The IWNGIWSW (I Will Not Get Involved With Straight Women) Chapter part I...
30 Oct - 4:19PM: Another dream...
Coming to terms with forever closing the closet door and all the straight women in it...but not really...
22 Oct - 4:34PM: A dream....
The Heterosexuality-minded society.
2005 -
19 Apr - 6:03PM: Ferlyn's Handbook of Love: Prologue
Introduction to my intentions of investigating the qualms of love...
2004 -
19 Sep - 9:44AM: Am I doomed to be single?My first blog where I actually write something and I stack it with singleness...
The Myspace Files: 2008
[14 December 2008] - 11:48am - The Girl on the Metrolink
There's this girl on the Metrolink that I'm trying to figure out. Its hard to put into words, but why can't I just get up and introduce myself. Crazy I know, but seriously though, its beating me up that I can't naturally just walk up to a girl and just say, "Hey, I think you're cute. Wanna grab some lunch sometime?" Nope. I find ways to retreat my heart. Its hard knowing that I could at any moment be shut down and rejected. That is one of the habits and fears I need to seriously think about overcoming.
She's got rhythm. Musically inclined. Same shoes as my friend, Tyler's. Possibly out as a lesbian. It's apparent in her appearance. Writing in a notebook that is filled with red and black ink. She takes her coat off, I see her forearm tattoo.
If I stare would she mind? Would she even notice? Is she married? Is she taken? Is she young? Is she mature? What would I say if she said, "what?"
Could I handle the rejection? Or even another damn friendship?
The trip on the train ends. We are gathering our things. Her phone call sounds like she's expected to be somewhere. She has a deep, mature voice. Late 20s or early 30s maybe? We get off the train. I watch her walk away with just her backpack and faded olive knit hat in the distance (It's all fuzzy cause I still have no contacts on...lol). No way did I ever get the chance to say hello.
Is this all I'll ever be in the mind's eye of other women? A stranger on the train that you'll never see again and have no intention of running into ever? A faded illusion in the background? A bounded daily routine that doesn't call for any encounters for change?
Maybe that's all I will be...a phase of another day in her daily routine...
If I did interrupt her routine...the days would definitely change.
[14 December 2008] - 3:05am - Dramatic Women
I officially need to relieve myself of dramatic women. Unattainable, complicated, unsettled women. They are the life-suckers that create and indulge in my self-destruction. I must not let them partake in my life's lovely journey.
[10 December 2008] - 2:32pm - Being Lesbian
Do you know why I'm proud to be a lesbian???
Because it took me a long time to embrace and love me for who I am and not be ashamed for being a part of a struggle that can cause such a commotion in the US right now. Where will I be able to finally be happy that I know who I am, what I wanna do, and actually interact with others, just happy being me?
I love me. Everything about me I love. I am willing to be who I am for the sake of being loved. :)
[14 November 2008] - 1:24PM - The Tale of Love
It must be that in good times, all emotions suddenly clash into a never-ending plight of obstacles. Love cannot find itself in the vicinity of harmony unless it is destined. Quite often, there will be times when you can find yourself lost, fragile, abandoned, in angst, and obscured by love, and it becomes an even greater challenge to face.
Love can also be found worthy of unconditional emotional stimuli, but lures within its rarity when pitted against this chaotic sphere. Capture a heart when it is found worthy of your love and carry on the flames that invoke the spirit of love from within. Otherwise, if destined, love will find its way through such turmoil and shine brightly to reveal its true deliverance of it into your soul.
Live in the dreams, dream the reality, realize what your actions should partake, and become entranced with soulful beams that carry this little piece of emotional struggle, more often referred to as love.
With this tale of love, hope is on its way, with a little bit of work by its side.
[14 October 2008] - 12:44PM - Life and Love: Being A Switch
I'm a totally, utterly, and unbelievably a Switch.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, in all of my yin/yang complex, I can be a top or a bottom. Either one. I'm seriously and truly a Switch.
I was walking around WeHo with my friend, talking about it, and I tried truly (with a long period of silence, too) picturing myself as a "True Bottom" or a "True Top."
A "True Bottom" will eventually end up being the supporter in the relationship and be taken care of more so than their counterpart (but not necessarily be "femme").
A "True Top" will be the domineering one (and not exactly the "butch") in the relationship and have more of the provider complex of taking care of the other.
I mean, I delved into my many situations where I've been either a top or a bottom in the relationship and found about an equal amount where I was one or the other.
For instance, awhile back, one of my friends, who started getting me to think about her philosophy of "Top/Bottom" theories, was confused as to which one I truly pertained to in a relationship. One minute she'd say that I was a top, and then the next time she'd say that I'd be a bottom.
Even on multiple occasions, I've asked many friends which type I'd more likely be within a relationship, and at most times its a mix (unless a particular circle of friends are predominantly "top", they'd probably assume the same for me or vice-versa for predominantly "bottom"-esque circles).
I've even been either top and bottom in my past relationships or when I've been dating.
Seriously, when it comes down to it:
Bottom...Top.....
Top...Bottom.....
Hmmm.....I could see myself as both.
I could be completely domineering and give to whomever I'm with and be satisfied that I can take care of her, make the decisions, crush the spiders, hold her purse when she's shopping, doing typical things a Top would do...
AND
I could also be completely the submissive one and have someone take care of me, be completely into my looks and shopping, be scared of ants, and switch it from Top to Bottom as quickly as that...
Maybe it's that I don't fit typical gender stereotypes or roles that attribute to either masculinity or femininity, but in all actuality, I'm for both.
But all in all, the reason I've completely went into this frenzy of proclaiming my right as a Switch is because when I was walking about in WeHo, in those silent times, I was also thinking about who I'd want to be with if any possibilities of potential relationships were to come my way.
As a result, it will have to be someone who is about as much of a switch as I am. Even if I go for someone who's a "True Top" or a "True Bottom," it's difficult if I do "Switch" because it screws up their acquired Top/Bottom-ness that it would pull them into zones where they're not quite comfortable in partaking, most likely get frustrated for trying to be something they're not, and have the matter complicate things in the process of it all.
In the philosophy of "True Tops," they will most of the time want to be domineering and can let it slide if the other one wants to be top, but then if it becomes habit-forming, then things get complicated. That especially goes for "True Bottoms" when they find out that they're taking care of someone more than they're being taken care of.
I'm saying that either way, I'm hoping to find someone who can compliment me as much as I can do the same for them. If I end up being one or another in either long or short periods of time, I just hope that they can be the same without having a fuss over the changing in roles.
I could easily be either the one in the wedding dress walking down the aisle or the one waiting at the end of the aisle, so it won't matter. I just hope that someone i find can be as much of a switch as me.
[04 Oct 2008 | Saturday]
 | 4:42 PM - A song without words Can't explain the feeling, just through music... Click link below for the song. "How I feel right now..." - Ferlyn Alarcon Fonseca (FYI - I'm just playing off of how I feel aka unrehearsed/improv music...that's why I stop a bunch...) |
[13 Sep 2008 | Saturday]
| 8:43 PM - The Soul with a Platinum Heart... Maybe I'm just a soul with a heart such in platinum (moreso than gold) that it can scare lesbians away from being in a vunerable state where they actually let go to be who they are and open up their feelings. And the fact that much of the world of lesbians that I meet are not ready to be opened up like that... |
listless
[06 Sep 2008 | Saturday]
| 10:17 PM - Rock Me Sexy Jesus...and give me my license back!! So...I end up in the most interesting places... |
fascinated 
[03 Sep 2008 | Wednesday]
| 10:18 AM - The random words that were in my head... My world is capsized with the amount of love that is given and the immense capacity of it. |
dirty
[29 Aug 2008 | Friday]
| 9:17 PM - O_o FEED ME!!! FEED ME!!! I'm SOOO SOOO VERY Hungry: |
adored
[22 Aug 2008 | Friday]
| 10:09 PM - I just don’t get it....Plus, find me someone available... I'm not trying to be jaded...I just want some love and appreciation by another woman who will have me for who I am...I miss all the cuddles, and the silly moments you can just create by having a tickle fight or just making each other laugh and enjoy the other's company...I liked where things were going when I had practically only a week to find out that I've been forsaken for a puppy...heh...it's times like these that I wonder where I went wrong... |
argumentative
[12 Aug 2008 | Tuesday]
| 7:21 PM - Love is hard... So what gives? love is some hard work! Dangit, aint it a bitch...so it happens a couple of times in life...grabbing ahold tightly, sometimes, working it down to those bruised knuckles and then finally letting go...what a trip...imma keep busy from now on and make sure that love doesn't get ahold of me...or at least all of me... Focus is all I need.... |
busy
[03 Aug 2008 | Sunday]
| 8:12 PM - What luck I have... Soo..what luck I have...I'm really not ready...and it's better that I just wait for someone to come along that will be ready...I will know when she comes along...I just hope there's more to me than just the surface of my life...the outgoing, easy-to-talk-to, comedic Ferlyn has more layers than that...
|
awake | 7:05 PM - The Lack of Mari.... Dude!!! It's soo freakin' weird that my best friend is away and I haven't heard from her....I miss my best friend!! (~_~') |
catalyzed
[02 Aug 2008 | Saturday]
| 1:06 AM - One Month.... Can I handle it? She's amazing...and taking it little by little will make it definitely worthwhile... |
cooky/wacky
[28 Jul 2008 | Monday]
| 4:02 AM - Uh-Oh....O_o I think I just found a new crush... |
chipper
[27 Jul 2008 | Sunday]
| 3:58 AM - A helluvah week and weekend...some new songs...and old updates too... "DUDE!! NO freakin' way!!" |
[20 Jul 2008 | Sunday]
| 8:20 PM - My kinda crush(es) So...I'm kinda smitten with the women who I can only adore from afar (literally and figuratively...) and possibly hit it off with...(but, of course, highly unlikely...) RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!! I'm stuck in this pattern of disasterous proportions and when will it ever stop?? AGHH!! O_o Imma go crazy overthinking like this... |
smitten
[13 Jul 2008 | Sunday]
| 1:02 PM - U Remind Me... This is about my next topic of discussion: My new kinda crush... |
neglected
[08 Jul 2008 | Tuesday]
| 9:51 PM - The Dark and Light: It’s all in my head right now... Dark: Keep on contemplating |
anxious
[30 Jun 2008 | Monday]
| 2:51 PM - Redoing my myspace.../The Lost Files Soo I figure my MySpace (as well as my life) needs a new facelift...or at least to refresh one's self in order to live again... |
voluminous
[26 Apr 2008 | Saturday]
| 1:27 PM - The Five Standards. The Five Standards. |
[18 Mar 2008 | Tuesday]
| 1:46 PM - My Birthday Week...(And my crushin’ on my crush...) OMG...this year for my birthday was such a fuckin’ BLAST!!! |
hungry
[02 Mar 2008 | Sunday]
| 3:28 PM - A moment with my crush... Soo...I had this dream...involving my crush and I.... It's just weirdly vague...however, I had feelings of comfort and happiness in those moments I did have with her... I can only remember bits and pieces, so bear with me if I cannot remember vivdly or in a manner that can get to the point... I am in my dreamy state, all in a haze last night, and I find myself talking up a great deal with her...some place familiar...whatever we say is making us laugh and thats when I start having that warm feeling of a friendship/caring type of love...it's freakin' awesome, cause I know that at this moment, its hard to find places to stay within the gray areas...but just completely going with the flow of things, made it much more easier to not expect things...anyway... I basically didn't get much sleep last night, (even if I only had four hours) and had a restless night neverthelesss...but the thing is...remembering just these moments where I get all heartfelt and tenderhearted...makes me just think about my life and say, "Yeah, I feel really good about my life right now..." Friendships can do that...and for some reason...I like how I have this secret... It makes me know that my crushing on her may just be a fleeting moment or not, without ruining anything for blurting out things or even acting on such things irrationally or in a rushed manner... Aside from the dreaming... I also have had moments with my crush... I have made my gaze at her...just intrigued at the way she interacts with others...or even around me...(not like I need her to like me back right away...) but it's nice to know that I can have the company at times... She's completely new to my life...so it's nice to start in the very beginning as how people regularly do when they are friends or end up more than that or whatever... Now before others or her may start figuring it out...I should end with this lil note about my days with her... I figure that I might as well just do what I do to take care of myself and if having the chance, spend time with people I care about...and maybe even spend a few times with my secret crush... Like that one time...with her...not long ago...hanging out...we were talking...getting to know more about each other... Even if she is just a crush (whether it be a small or big crush), I know that I'll be happy spending time with someone who keeps great company... And if not...there's just me, my writing, my music, and all of the rest of me that I can keep to make myself busy... But it's nice to have that time and a moment with my crush...
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| 3:15 PM - Finding reasons... Loving the way I am There are many reasons I can find that just fit in my mind... I am embracing each moment I am single, because I am finally putting myself first before anyone else... Loving that this secret crush I have is still just a crush and nothing more; however, I am having fun noticing these little goosebumps that I get, and it has this profound effect of making me giddy knowing that I have a secret >_< Making smiles across the friendships I have, and stablizing a consistency of friends....I'm finally having more than just a radom lifestyle with each moment that passes...instead of random days, with random friends, in random hours, doing random activities...I have places, people, times to share in the loving idea that I know those people will always be there... I just know that classes and graduation is scaring me, however, I can make it work... (^_^)v Need more work hours and another job to cover/save up for the upcoming culmination of financial aid...or else I be doomed...I will find the right places to be soon (^_^)v
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[27 Feb 2008 | Wednesday]
| 8:18 PM - Noticing what happens when I’m single... LOL....I just realized that I know when I'm not involved with anyone when I: -Start to watch movies on my own (in the movie theatre or renting) It just makes me laugh, because I realize that I just have soo much time on my hands since I'm not really seeing anyone, that I just have more time to myself...and with that, I realize that I am sooo freakin' Self-centered and in my own little world...LMAO
Anyway... - Have new music that I've created that all ya'lls can listen to... ------- 1. "Why Can't I Have You?" Sooo...I've been in an awesome mode, where I'm getting my music together, playing and practicing with more experience, getting better at an exponential rate (^_^)v (YAY!), and singing WAAAY Better than my songs the last time I posted...(when I get my songs up, I'm going to rerecord all the previous songs...) Yep yep! Thats that! OH yeah, FYI: ------- I also have my classes that I'm TAing and gonna get put on my resume...i don't think anyone in my major has had the opportunity to TA for a whole semester...I'm all excited!! TAKE MY CLASS: ------- I really have my sights on this woman... -------
So yeah...All in all...I love my life right now...I just gotta make sure I tie up loose ends, close out the unfinished business in my life, clean out the closet, move into a higher state of mind, body and spirit, and move on proudly in singlehood, until the tide of love comes to find me... I love my life...Even if I am single (BTW, I've grown accustomed to being single, and getting better at making my life stable without the responsibilities of a relationship....for now I'm loving it!!)...LMAO |
[04 Feb 2008 | Monday]
| 6:56 PM - Waiting on the world to change... I have these cravings... But I just feel a bit lost... Oh woe is me...gotta get outta my habits so that I don't form so much into my life in old patterns... Grrr.... Can't I just wait for the world to change for me? Prolly not... Doesn't work out that way....therefore, I must change... |
[02 Feb 2008 | Saturday]
| 7:46 PM - Lesbian Amnesia.... Hmmm....this is just....a theory....a thought....an opinion... |
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