I'm finally home, got in around 7:30am. I take a bit of a nap, but end up waking up 2 hours later cause I've already had my share of sleep. So I've spent my entire day alone at home...
Whenever I am alone, I always find myself within thought after thought. It's difficult to find peace in my mind, especially when I self-indulge myself with situations that keep me running away from myself - the internet, blogging, playing/composing music, watching tv, etc. It can be productive sometimes, but most of the time it is counter-productive. Instead, I should be self-reflecting and facing my fears that I have.
I am gaining more difficult challenges in the face of my life. Somehow, it tends to be more about my job and financial situation. Right now, I need to work harder to find the right path. I will not have myself and old habits ruining the outcome of my future (or at least setting it back). I have hit this bump many times on my path to enlightenment, and I seriously need a strong encouragement, especially the strength of love inside me. I gotta find that love inside me, finish what I need to do, and find the light of courage within me to audition, interview, apply, and ask everywhere possible if I am going to survive. When next week comes, I will find myself in that crunch time.
LOVE will have to be about me first, because my LIFE is gaining some big obligations.
And that's all about me... I gotta find this place to grow productively and really find my place in this chaotic sphere called Earth...I gotta find my purpose and find me.
The only times I don't spend alone, are probably when she calls me after work. How I do wish I could express how I feel about her to her...but right now still isn't the right moment...I LOVE her and she knows it. I admit it in some ways, but I know she's not ready to feel that vulnerable. Trust...it's an issue of trust...and it's just awesome that I can enjoy her company and find myself at peace with her at nights and in my dreams. It's where I find out that when she does have her plans, I can see I'm not in that mix at this moment. That's when I know I have to find me, get myself started and my career so that I can do the same in my life. Make plans just for me.
Maybe I am just too silly...actually, maybe it's time for just me...the small letting go process where I suddenly don't seek out the other soul I keep connected in my heart...
Just let go.
This will change everything.
My mannerisms will slowly change to platonic.
Love will just be a memory.
No longer will love be an active feeling.
Creating my last breath of healing,
Just to let go of the feeling.
I'm not losing faith;
I'm gaining strength.
I love her with all my heart,
I must give her the chance to want me back.
Maybe just letting go will show where she stands with her feelings towards me.
Without me, will she think of me?
A risk I would not like to take, but if she'd rather do the same, then I should too.
Don't say I gave up without a fight, cause I'm still fighting for that love.
It's in my pride not to admit that I do expect her phone calls...and when she decides that maybe she should no longer call, and decide to get a new numbers...
Then I'll admit that I was delusional all along.
However, until then, I still fight the fight, knowing her heart still possesses the spark of love still inside her...and that I'm really still giving her that room to grow and find it out for herself...However long it takes...I'll be there...
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