The more I do, the less I'm receiving...

I guess its time.
*sighs*
I will move on, you can do what you will, Maribel. I can see that your heart is not in a place where it can forgive me.
My life is still enraptured by the love I know is still there. However, I will let you be free to do what you will. I will move on with my life, and maybe this next time, our paths will be alongside each other. If our love is meant to be, I can set it free. The world of distractions, many other "lesbian-fish-in-the sea", chaos, drama, assholes, and self-discoveries that are out there, maybe you'll find your way for yourself. If love finds your way to someone else, then I wish you the best and that you only receive happiness.
I have given nothing but compassion, done nothing but be giving, tried to tell you all the truths in me, and give you a perspective of a love worth fighting for.
But...
I gotta let go.
I'm bound by the ties of my own lesbian amnesia that I see now, I must do so...and let go.

Loving you was the best part of my life. You helped me see the capabilities of a love that can happen when two people fully trust each other. I will not forget that. Again, you have forever changed me...

Hmm...
Whether or not she reads this, I know that the more I do, the less I'm receiving....
I admit to my mistakes and the answers to who would be there for me....that answer = me.

I know now that my encounter with An was the sign that I should have moved on long before...even if its just to be single...I ran into her three times when I was capsized by the love of Maribel who just pushed me further away...that was before I started hanging out with An...she's a great person who listens, but she's not my type...had it not been for my weakened (partially psychotic) and also inebriated state of mind, I probably would have not done what I did...I've talked to her and it meant nothing to her...as it also meant nothing for me...

As for my friendship with Crystal...its actually a friendship...I gotta admit, its nice being able to just joke around and actually talk like normal friends do...even if she was my ex...its dead and gone...my feelings are completely platonic...plus, she made out with practically everyone she knew at Booby Trap...she's a party girl trying to have fun...she's proven to me that forgiveness takes time and moving on away from it and coming back when both people are ready can actually happen...

However, with Maribel...I know that I did not ease up on her...maybe it's time for me to say farewell...maybe I was not ready for a relationship or that fate was telling me to work on myself before taking more serious matters at hand...I see that there are things that arose that I still have to deal with in my life and I guess balancing a shaky relationship and not being fully capable as an individual was the sign that I should be on my own...If I can come back to her arms as the changed person I am, then its meant to be...if by the time I am a fully changed person and those arms are not open or in the arms of another, then its not meant to be...who's to say that I should know such things for what the future holds...but I only hope that she can forgive me one day...

In addition, my life will be better once I find myself, get a full-time job (I hope in this recession/depression), and start living for what I believe in...my compassion will always be there for everyone that has impacted my life...especially those who I wish forgiveness from especially...

My heart will always have that place for her, but its time to move on with my life...