I don't know where I should be....
My heart wants to be free of this lock on a love I have from my recent love...
My soul heeds the warnings of where my life can possibly be if I return to my old habits...
My mind runs with a thousand questions, thoughts, analytical discrepancies, and disillusioned scenarios...
My body yearns for the security of my self-love and a warm body to hug and be next to...
When will I stop being emotionally-bound as this Pisces that I am and reason to be logical when it comes to relationships...
Where am I going with Crystal?? I smile with much glee because I have fun and ease from whatever suffering I'm putting off...and when she's not paying much attention to me, I seek it...damnit...old habits are hard to be rid of...
Where is this going with An?? I'm in a jam with her, because I don't know where its going...plus, she's one party animal...I don't know where I'd take it...
Where will I be with Maribel?? She tells me things then falls back on her reasoning...being afraid to show me how she really feels...I know that she does feel it...but why can't she just let me in?? I have to let her go...it causes me enough suffering knowing that what I know is right there I just can't have because she won't let me in....I'm sorry Maribel, but I have to let you go... :'(
So where do I go now?? If I can find out me, maybe I'll get a closer feeling to what is within...
11 April 2009
10 April 2009
Hump Day, Ms. Flow, and the inevitable Dyke Drama...
If I had to choose among my past, present, and future, where would I want to be?
Before I get into it all, here is what I was once told by another whom I dated before...
"You fall in love three times in your life: the first one is usually irrational, the second one is delusional, and the third is the real, because the third time's a charm."
How can I decipher between those who did count and those who didn't....whose heart made mine fall in love the first time? Would my "puppy love"/young love days still count in this?
In the meantime, I believe that to the best of my knowledge, it is those souls that have deepened my heart and changed my life forever...Therefore, a love that can either be the one or not, possibly could be the sooner or latter of my exes, dates, and women who have changed my life...
My first love...would possibly be Crystal. Looking back on the self-discoveries, I found highlights of where love was too irrational to compare with others beyond my grasp. My first real bona fide girlfriend. One who changed the way I looked at the world I sought to date and everything in it...the silly things I did to try and keep that relationship and then spill over to create that facade that it would be the one. She changed my life indefinitely, and the way I date closes my soul up so I will break it before even starting it...I have found resolve with her...but yet I find my past catching up to me and could possibly bite me in the ass later...the moments will tell...
My second love...is Valerie. Her accord struck me to the fullest, I connected soo well, that in fact, I spent head over heels for this girl in just one week....still completely non-intimate (as far as not going completely to the homerun) and framed with the fact that I could actually start off slow and develop a relationship instead of rushing it...didn't work out, but she did change my life...the worse part was that she is still a complete asshole with no remorse for anyone....unfortunately, I only hope there will be a time when she gets her cup of coffee and literally breaks down from all the people she's dissed and dismissed in her life, especially those who did get close to her heart...I do hope she finds herself...
As for my third love...I don't think it has come yet...I have a feeling it is really close, however, there is something that holds me back to see any clearer than those who I have in front of me now...is it Maribel? or is she just the catalyst to my one true love?
Now, out of all my life experience, I could not prepare for the mess that I just brought upon myself. Where will I go now that I have endured love's lost and am especially lost myself? The three that I explain here and now are Crystal (my past), Maribel (my present), and An (my possible future?)....
How this story goes: I finally set my foot down and hold off from talking to Maribel, I end up talking to An by texts, we plan to hang out. I also end up getting in contact and reacquainted with Crystal and we hang out and have tea at Mr. Coffee, having a good time reminiscing. Then, a day or two later, I decide to hang out with An for Booby Trap, and I also tell Crystal about it and bring her friends. Crystal and her friends hang out at Booby Trap, I hang out with An at the White Horse, we both go to Booby Trap, and then meet up with Crystal and her friends. We all drink, dance, have a good time, I end up making out with Crystal, then An warns me about it, we end up dancing the night and then going home early. We all exit Booby Trap, we planned to meet up at my apt, Crystal and her friends end up going home instead. I drink some more with An at my house, and I end up sleeping with An. As the morning dawns, we both have hangovers like no other, and we have breakfast, and I kiss her goodbye. As my mind wanders about what I just did, while recovering from my hangover, I start to feel there's more lying beyond what i just did...
Aside from the fact that "Ms. Flow" is still in the house, my hormones may have played a part in this and all of these events happened in less than a week (on Hump Day, no less...hahaha pardon the pun of Hump Day now), I have a feeling there is more to come....
I want to learn to love myself again...I think An is great and I'm just rebounding, and I think me and Crystal will be great friends (once I can stop thinking that she's hot), but with things between me and Maribel...I'm starting to wonder where she is in all of this mess, and if her head, heart, and soul is still in it for me...
I might have just turned my life into dyke drama....somehow I knew it had to happen...but I didn't think it would be this big...now if only I could just step away from it all and learn where my true love lies...cause now I'm confused...
Is it Crystal? Is it Maribel? Is it An?
I'm not making a whole world of sense right now...but if I could fit this in a more concise version, I'm trying my darnest...
Point is, I'm looking to find whether or not Maribel is in fact my third...and I just messed it up because of the world of hurt I just put on my mind, body and soul...challenging my efforts to be a good, honest, dependable, reliable, loyal type of girlfriend...I just threw it out the window, with no conscience of my love, Maribel...if she knew and if my messing up will affect her decision in making our love work...Should I even tell her these past events?? Will her finding out make me lose her?? Would she even look at me the same way again??
Am I just lost without her or is opportunity knocking because I'm available?
Only time will tell when Maribel finally calls...and a load of decisions I must make as well...
Before I get into it all, here is what I was once told by another whom I dated before...
"You fall in love three times in your life: the first one is usually irrational, the second one is delusional, and the third is the real, because the third time's a charm."
How can I decipher between those who did count and those who didn't....whose heart made mine fall in love the first time? Would my "puppy love"/young love days still count in this?
In the meantime, I believe that to the best of my knowledge, it is those souls that have deepened my heart and changed my life forever...Therefore, a love that can either be the one or not, possibly could be the sooner or latter of my exes, dates, and women who have changed my life...
My first love...would possibly be Crystal. Looking back on the self-discoveries, I found highlights of where love was too irrational to compare with others beyond my grasp. My first real bona fide girlfriend. One who changed the way I looked at the world I sought to date and everything in it...the silly things I did to try and keep that relationship and then spill over to create that facade that it would be the one. She changed my life indefinitely, and the way I date closes my soul up so I will break it before even starting it...I have found resolve with her...but yet I find my past catching up to me and could possibly bite me in the ass later...the moments will tell...
My second love...is Valerie. Her accord struck me to the fullest, I connected soo well, that in fact, I spent head over heels for this girl in just one week....still completely non-intimate (as far as not going completely to the homerun) and framed with the fact that I could actually start off slow and develop a relationship instead of rushing it...didn't work out, but she did change my life...the worse part was that she is still a complete asshole with no remorse for anyone....unfortunately, I only hope there will be a time when she gets her cup of coffee and literally breaks down from all the people she's dissed and dismissed in her life, especially those who did get close to her heart...I do hope she finds herself...
As for my third love...I don't think it has come yet...I have a feeling it is really close, however, there is something that holds me back to see any clearer than those who I have in front of me now...is it Maribel? or is she just the catalyst to my one true love?
Now, out of all my life experience, I could not prepare for the mess that I just brought upon myself. Where will I go now that I have endured love's lost and am especially lost myself? The three that I explain here and now are Crystal (my past), Maribel (my present), and An (my possible future?)....
How this story goes: I finally set my foot down and hold off from talking to Maribel, I end up talking to An by texts, we plan to hang out. I also end up getting in contact and reacquainted with Crystal and we hang out and have tea at Mr. Coffee, having a good time reminiscing. Then, a day or two later, I decide to hang out with An for Booby Trap, and I also tell Crystal about it and bring her friends. Crystal and her friends hang out at Booby Trap, I hang out with An at the White Horse, we both go to Booby Trap, and then meet up with Crystal and her friends. We all drink, dance, have a good time, I end up making out with Crystal, then An warns me about it, we end up dancing the night and then going home early. We all exit Booby Trap, we planned to meet up at my apt, Crystal and her friends end up going home instead. I drink some more with An at my house, and I end up sleeping with An. As the morning dawns, we both have hangovers like no other, and we have breakfast, and I kiss her goodbye. As my mind wanders about what I just did, while recovering from my hangover, I start to feel there's more lying beyond what i just did...
Aside from the fact that "Ms. Flow" is still in the house, my hormones may have played a part in this and all of these events happened in less than a week (on Hump Day, no less...hahaha pardon the pun of Hump Day now), I have a feeling there is more to come....
I want to learn to love myself again...I think An is great and I'm just rebounding, and I think me and Crystal will be great friends (once I can stop thinking that she's hot), but with things between me and Maribel...I'm starting to wonder where she is in all of this mess, and if her head, heart, and soul is still in it for me...
I might have just turned my life into dyke drama....somehow I knew it had to happen...but I didn't think it would be this big...now if only I could just step away from it all and learn where my true love lies...cause now I'm confused...
Is it Crystal? Is it Maribel? Is it An?
I'm not making a whole world of sense right now...but if I could fit this in a more concise version, I'm trying my darnest...
Point is, I'm looking to find whether or not Maribel is in fact my third...and I just messed it up because of the world of hurt I just put on my mind, body and soul...challenging my efforts to be a good, honest, dependable, reliable, loyal type of girlfriend...I just threw it out the window, with no conscience of my love, Maribel...if she knew and if my messing up will affect her decision in making our love work...Should I even tell her these past events?? Will her finding out make me lose her?? Would she even look at me the same way again??
Am I just lost without her or is opportunity knocking because I'm available?
Only time will tell when Maribel finally calls...and a load of decisions I must make as well...
08 April 2009
My ghosts of girlfriend's past
So I'm finally having some resolution with the woman I'm sure that I'm meant to be with (Maribel), however, its interesting because knowing her, she's still in the early years of lesbianhood (its like childhood, except the lesbian version...which the dating usually starts at the average of 21 y/o...). I know things are bound to change drastically, but I am confident that with the days that I am patient, I am hoping to resolve some of my stuff too.
Which brings me to the ghosts of girlfriends past. Well, of all my girlfriends, while in High School: Tabatha and Penni - they were girlfriends back when the internet dating scene was looked down upon, and knowing that I wouldn't be able to travel being underage, it didn't seem likely that I'd ever meet them. However, I actually still talk to them; but oddly enough, only as friends because I was just in young flings, without any seriousity taken for it. Thus, those relationships never really counted.
For college, Judy, Stephanie and Letty, I didn't actually have a real bonafide lesbian relationship. It was basically non-existent with the consideration that two would never account to having a relationship and one is already married so it didn't count either, which kinda sucks because I spent my days as an open lesbian, but as a closeted girlfriend for many of those times. It wasn't until two-three years ago did I actually have my first real lesbian relationship.
The last one of exes from college was Crystal. We did have a short-spanned relationship, but it did end up being something real, besides the drama that happened in the end (that's for another story...). Its funny cause it actually took me awhile to remember her name, and reaquainting myself with her so I could find some answers for myself while I'm in this waiting process with Maribel. I decided to talk to Crystal because one time she actually wanted peace between us, despite her factions of "playing the game" when I was in a relationship with her. She was actually the first of my girlfriends to actually be a lesbian, so technically I've been in one bonafide lesbian relationship and Maribel being the second.
Point is, I admit that there were lingering feelings, but now it just feels like there's a need for some answers to questions of my past. I want things to work out between Maribel and me, but I gotta work hard to find the answers in my life.
Can I find these answers delving into my past? Will I end up clearing the past and tie up all the loose ends? Or will I end up breaking hearts, causing drama, or losing the one person I truly want to be with?
Which brings me to the ghosts of girlfriends past. Well, of all my girlfriends, while in High School: Tabatha and Penni - they were girlfriends back when the internet dating scene was looked down upon, and knowing that I wouldn't be able to travel being underage, it didn't seem likely that I'd ever meet them. However, I actually still talk to them; but oddly enough, only as friends because I was just in young flings, without any seriousity taken for it. Thus, those relationships never really counted.
For college, Judy, Stephanie and Letty, I didn't actually have a real bonafide lesbian relationship. It was basically non-existent with the consideration that two would never account to having a relationship and one is already married so it didn't count either, which kinda sucks because I spent my days as an open lesbian, but as a closeted girlfriend for many of those times. It wasn't until two-three years ago did I actually have my first real lesbian relationship.
The last one of exes from college was Crystal. We did have a short-spanned relationship, but it did end up being something real, besides the drama that happened in the end (that's for another story...). Its funny cause it actually took me awhile to remember her name, and reaquainting myself with her so I could find some answers for myself while I'm in this waiting process with Maribel. I decided to talk to Crystal because one time she actually wanted peace between us, despite her factions of "playing the game" when I was in a relationship with her. She was actually the first of my girlfriends to actually be a lesbian, so technically I've been in one bonafide lesbian relationship and Maribel being the second.
Point is, I admit that there were lingering feelings, but now it just feels like there's a need for some answers to questions of my past. I want things to work out between Maribel and me, but I gotta work hard to find the answers in my life.
Can I find these answers delving into my past? Will I end up clearing the past and tie up all the loose ends? Or will I end up breaking hearts, causing drama, or losing the one person I truly want to be with?
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