The Myspace Files: 2008

[14 December 2008] - 11:48am - The Girl on the Metrolink

There's this girl on the Metrolink that I'm trying to figure out. Its hard to put into words, but why can't I just get up and introduce myself. Crazy I know, but seriously though, its beating me up that I can't naturally just walk up to a girl and just say, "Hey, I think you're cute. Wanna grab some lunch sometime?" Nope. I find ways to retreat my heart. Its hard knowing that I could at any moment be shut down and rejected. That is one of the habits and fears I need to seriously think about overcoming.

She's got rhythm. Musically inclined. Same shoes as my friend, Tyler's. Possibly out as a lesbian. It's apparent in her appearance. Writing in a notebook that is filled with red and black ink. She takes her coat off, I see her forearm tattoo.

If I stare would she mind? Would she even notice? Is she married? Is she taken? Is she young? Is she mature? What would I say if she said, "what?"

Could I handle the rejection? Or even another damn friendship?

The trip on the train ends. We are gathering our things. Her phone call sounds like she's expected to be somewhere. She has a deep, mature voice. Late 20s or early 30s maybe? We get off the train. I watch her walk away with just her backpack and faded olive knit hat in the distance (It's all fuzzy cause I still have no contacts on...lol). No way did I ever get the chance to say hello.

Is this all I'll ever be in the mind's eye of other women? A stranger on the train that you'll never see again and have no intention of running into ever? A faded illusion in the background? A bounded daily routine that doesn't call for any encounters for change?

Maybe that's all I will be...a phase of another day in her daily routine...

If I did interrupt her routine...the days would definitely change.

[14 December 2008] - 3:05am - Dramatic Women

I officially need to relieve myself of dramatic women. Unattainable, complicated, unsettled women. They are the life-suckers that create and indulge in my self-destruction. I must not let them partake in my life's lovely journey.

[10 December 2008] - 2:32pm - Being Lesbian

Do you know why I'm proud to be a lesbian???
Because it took me a long time to embrace and love me for who I am and not be ashamed for being a part of a struggle that can cause such a commotion in the US right now. Where will I be able to finally be happy that I know who I am, what I wanna do, and actually interact with others, just happy being me?
I love me. Everything about me I love. I am willing to be who I am for the sake of being loved. :)

[14 November 2008] - 1:24PM - The Tale of Love

It must be that in good times, all emotions suddenly clash into a never-ending plight of obstacles. Love cannot find itself in the vicinity of harmony unless it is destined. Quite often, there will be times when you can find yourself lost, fragile, abandoned, in angst, and obscured by love, and it becomes an even greater challenge to face.

Love can also be found worthy of unconditional emotional stimuli, but lures within its rarity when pitted against this chaotic sphere. Capture a heart when it is found worthy of your love and carry on the flames that invoke the spirit of love from within. Otherwise, if destined, love will find its way through such turmoil and shine brightly to reveal its true deliverance of it into your soul.

Live in the dreams, dream the reality, realize what your actions should partake, and become entranced with soulful beams that carry this little piece of emotional struggle, more often referred to as love.

With this tale of love, hope is on its way, with a little bit of work by its side.

[14 October 2008] - 12:44PM - Life and Love: Being A Switch

I'm a totally, utterly, and unbelievably a Switch.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, in all of my yin/yang complex, I can be a top or a bottom. Either one. I'm seriously and truly a Switch.

I was walking around WeHo with my friend, talking about it, and I tried truly (with a long period of silence, too) picturing myself as a "True Bottom" or a "True Top."
A "True Bottom" will eventually end up being the supporter in the relationship and be taken care of more so than their counterpart (but not necessarily be "femme").
A "True Top" will be the domineering one (and not exactly the "butch") in the relationship and have more of the provider complex of taking care of the other.

I mean, I delved into my many situations where I've been either a top or a bottom in the relationship and found about an equal amount where I was one or the other.
For instance, awhile back, one of my friends, who started getting me to think about her philosophy of "Top/Bottom" theories, was confused as to which one I truly pertained to in a relationship. One minute she'd say that I was a top, and then the next time she'd say that I'd be a bottom.
Even on multiple occasions, I've asked many friends which type I'd more likely be within a relationship, and at most times its a mix (unless a particular circle of friends are predominantly "top", they'd probably assume the same for me or vice-versa for predominantly "bottom"-esque circles).
I've even been either top and bottom in my past relationships or when I've been dating.

Seriously, when it comes down to it:
Bottom...Top.....
Top...Bottom.....
Hmmm.....I could see myself as both.

I could be completely domineering and give to whomever I'm with and be satisfied that I can take care of her, make the decisions, crush the spiders, hold her purse when she's shopping, doing typical things a Top would do...
AND
I could also be completely the submissive one and have someone take care of me, be completely into my looks and shopping, be scared of ants, and switch it from Top to Bottom as quickly as that...

Maybe it's that I don't fit typical gender stereotypes or roles that attribute to either masculinity or femininity, but in all actuality, I'm for both.

But all in all, the reason I've completely went into this frenzy of proclaiming my right as a Switch is because when I was walking about in WeHo, in those silent times, I was also thinking about who I'd want to be with if any possibilities of potential relationships were to come my way.
As a result, it will have to be someone who is about as much of a switch as I am. Even if I go for someone who's a "True Top" or a "True Bottom," it's difficult if I do "Switch" because it screws up their acquired Top/Bottom-ness that it would pull them into zones where they're not quite comfortable in partaking, most likely get frustrated for trying to be something they're not, and have the matter complicate things in the process of it all.
In the philosophy of "True Tops," they will most of the time want to be domineering and can let it slide if the other one wants to be top, but then if it becomes habit-forming, then things get complicated. That especially goes for "True Bottoms" when they find out that they're taking care of someone more than they're being taken care of.

I'm saying that either way, I'm hoping to find someone who can compliment me as much as I can do the same for them. If I end up being one or another in either long or short periods of time, I just hope that they can be the same without having a fuss over the changing in roles.

I could easily be either the one in the wedding dress walking down the aisle or the one waiting at the end of the aisle, so it won't matter. I just hope that someone i find can be as much of a switch as me.

[04 Oct 2008 | Saturday]

4:42 PM - A song without words Can't explain the feeling, just through music... Click link below for the song. "How I feel right now..." - Ferlyn Alarcon Fonseca (FYI - I'm just playing off of how I feel aka unrehearsed/improv music...that's why I stop a bunch...)

[13 Sep 2008 | Saturday]

8:43 PM - The Soul with a Platinum Heart... Current mood: listless Maybe I'm just a soul with a heart such in platinum (moreso than gold) that it can scare lesbians away from being in a vunerable state where they actually let go to be who they are and open up their feelings. And the fact that much of the world of lesbians that I meet are not ready to be opened up like that... Yeah, that's probably it. I just want someone to be as swooned over me as I am over them. Should I change my dating pool and find new waters to swim in? Should I just be less myself and more of those seemingly "unattainable, but yet very flirty and aggressive" women? No. I can't deal with that. It's too much to have to lie about who I am. I love who I am and want to be loved for being me. Single and unattached, yes. Ready in the scene, yes. Available, eligible and sanity kept, yes. House-trained, yes. Lesbian, yes. Completely outed, yes. Huge romantic/romancer, yes. Fully stable in her career, yes. I am with all these qualities and more, and yet, I feel the availability is waring down... What's with the lesbians of the world today?? Seriously. I need to know what happened to the days when I could find a place in someone's heart and live there like they were in my happiest moments. (I mean, even though despite the fact that they weren't at all lesbians, but female, of course, I still was more happier in my niave state of loving women, whether straight, bi-curious, confused, bi, or lesbian. What's up with that?) SOO...where did the fully available and eligible "my-type" lesbians (and for sure lesbians, and nothing else in the range of all sexuality) all go? Are they out there?? Or should I just tuck away this Heart of Platinum?

[06 Sep 2008 | Saturday]

10:17 PM - Rock Me Sexy Jesus...and give me my license back!! Current mood: fascinated So...I end up in the most interesting places... My license is gone... Damn freakin' police... AND WHY DIDN'T CHEWY CALL ME?!?! (I could've been out there drinkin' it up at Sean's! Grr...) Oh wells...I kinda needed to learn my lesson anyway... It's already been about a week without my license...I finally applied for a freakin Cali ID....It's weird not being able to get stuff because I know I'd get "carded" for something or another...I can't buy the usual especially..."'Yes, I'd like to some wine with my dinner, please.' Ahems. 'Can I see some ID please?' 'Uh, yeah sure....OH CRAP!'" Grrr.... AAAaaaaaNNNNNnnnnDDDDdddd.... It's not even about alcohol, or going to bars....it's even like if I wanted to watch a movie that was "Rated R" and I look like I'm TWELVE! DUDE!! I could totally be unable to watch the movie without "adult supervision." OR Even if I just wanted to use my card anywhere...and they do those random checks: "Yes, Can I see your ID?" OR What if I wanted to apply for another side job: "Yes, I just need your driver's license and social..." Oh yes....oh wait...WHAT ID?!? F**K! I used to use my dependant military ID, but because I'm past the age of 23, and no longer in college (graduated with a full time job, thank god), I have never even applied for a freakin Cali ID....I mean...seriously??? I didn't realize how much I'll need an ID until I lost my license...and ALSO if I didn't have a Cali ID, what would I use??? Cuz carrying my social, citizenship papers, and my birth certificate would be dangerous for the security of my credit and identity (I don't even have a recent passport...) I swear...when did it become a good idea to be someone else?? It's all not that great...too much work....being yourself makes it all the more easier.. But yeah... Vents and all.... More GRRRR.... ON THE UPSIDE!! I was able to set my Lust in the right direction.....I can't believe that I'm in a good place with my passions....(yeah you thought something else...NASTY MINDED READER!! Grrrowl... *wink wink* LMAO...yeah...riiiiiggghhhttt... Moving On!) One of my passions...my dancing...is gonna rock everyone's socks!! I hope that one of these kids will come up to me 10-20 years from now and say, "You helped in becoming a great influence in my life..." or something to that extent.... Another of my passions...(yes...you know it now)....it's definitely...DEFINITELY going somewhere....however, I only hope that this part of my life draws in more...shall we say....more.....Fun?? hehehehehehe Alas...it brings the many colored clouds of hazy happiness....(CCHH....Yay...I have a new Acronym!) I can only imagine if it starts being more and more intense....hmmm.... And one more passion, my music, I made a new song it's called "Black and White," and is a fun song about my friend's obsession. LOL...When you hear the song...you'll like it.... But that's it for now in my Lust of life.... FYI, I can still get into all bars I wanna go to....I'm that much of a regular that they don't even need to check me...MUAHAHAHAHA....Suckers! LOL...J/k...despite that fact, I still can't drive... SOOO....No Drivey, Not much Outings....but that means I get to focus on my career! With that being said, I am in a great point in my career, with my family, with my friends, living practically drama free...Well of course with the exception of some financial things, but things are pretty stable at this moment...I'm SOOO HAPPY FOR IT!! ,>_<, Now about my love life...and I always go here...I like it where it is right now...no committments...and I'm single and free to breathe...yet, I find myself in conditions where I wonder into that "future this, future that" stuff...but then again...I'm just where I need to be...I don't need to worry myself over things like that unless I really want to be serious....and plus...is there really someone out there who would love as intensely as me for me? I hope so...and it better be a clear sign....with all the mix of what I like put in it... Yeah....so I'm in places where I've never been, but I'm starting to get the fact that I need to take risks that benefit me and my life...YAY! OH OH OH! And I was able to watch Hamlet 2....Soo fucking funny!! ^_^ In sing-song...."I feel like I was......raped in the face, raped in the face!" LOL.... LMAO.... ROTFL..... ROTFLOL..... ROTFLMAO.... OHMAHGAWD....SOOO FUCKIN' FUNNY!! (And I really don't hope I end up like that as far as being an instructor...LMAO...) You Just gotta watch it!! Anyway....after all of this....the greatest things, I'm sure, will be laid out to me for the greater part of my life...I may be young now, but I know that when I become an older, cooky grandma, I'll be looking at life with bright eyes and smiles for everything that I know and will accomplish...I'm livin' life on the freeway to righteous awesomeness!! YAY!! (^_^)v Ferlyn A. Fonseca "Ferbee/Lil Foot"

[03 Sep 2008 | Wednesday]

10:18 AM - The random words that were in my head... Current mood: dirty My world is capsized with the amount of love that is given and the immense capacity of it. It squeals my name when it reaches my ear. I drive to the bottomless core of my being and reach deep within to find a gravitating flow of energy that has yet to be consumed. There's the fakers and then there's the haters. I wish love would give me a second chance. Leave me to bask in my own aspirations. Grow up like any child would: Without Fear. Bring me to crumble in chocolate ice cream...oh wait, it's already gottin' nuts. Why is my heart breaking for each girl I'm changing? Find me a bed to cuddle another with. Random thoughts just pop like the empty tube of Pringles with the cap on. Be my ignition and turn me on. Love me inside, love me outside, love me like it was the first time. Drive this heart into the minds of the ones I love the most. Consume the figures on the scales of relationships; broader options become available. Let me become the one who you want to complete your life. Grab me midair from the other side when we jump off these cliffs; I wouldn't let go, and we could fly away together. See the brighter, lighter side of me...the side that wants no more than to see you happy, be happy with you, and be the cause of happiness within you.

[29 Aug 2008 | Friday]

9:17 PM - O_o FEED ME!!! Current mood: adored FEED ME!!! I'm SOOO SOOO VERY Hungry: ...for Food ...for Life ...for Love ...for Freedom ...for Parties ...for Giving ...for Taking ...for Music ...for Food (2x) ...for Laughs ...for Cries ...for Movies ...for Love (2x) ...for Moonlit skies ...for Cuddling ...for Hugs ...for Friends ...for Food (3x) ...for Lesbians ...for Little Moments ...for Love (3x) ...for Makeovers ...for A New Wardrobe ...for Making Out ...for Endless Pursuits ...for Inside Jokes ...for Pancakes ...for Food (4x) ...for Buttery Nipple Drinks ...for Coronas ...for Home ...for Family ...for Love (4x) ...for Money...for Food ...for Donations ...for FOOD...and LOVE ...for Naked, Vunerable Moments ...Did I mention Food and Love yet?? No really...I AM VERY HUNGRY...if anyone knows me, they'd understand...LMAO

[22 Aug 2008 | Friday]

10:09 PM - I just don’t get it....Plus, find me someone available... Current mood: argumentative I'm not trying to be jaded...I just want some love and appreciation by another woman who will have me for who I am...I miss all the cuddles, and the silly moments you can just create by having a tickle fight or just making each other laugh and enjoy the other's company...I liked where things were going when I had practically only a week to find out that I've been forsaken for a puppy...heh...it's times like these that I wonder where I went wrong... I try imagining what would happen and excute all the realistic possibilities of what could have happened, then I realize that it doesn't matter anymore...the time is now, and whatever has happened is now in the past. It won't make any sense to go on craving the attention of another who cannot give it...Even in the event that other opportunities to find like/love/lust (or whatever you wanna call it) comes around in full gear, it only makes it worst with the fact that my insides are sore from putting my heart-sleeves on...I'm not one to hide how I essentially feel...nor do I find it amazingly odd that others may think that my kind exterior has other motives...maybe if I was a bit more stuck-up or at least much more confident that I could "get the girl" and then turn around and feel alright knowing all was not-meant-to-be-at-this-moment....then maybe it would all make sense that I'd be the "player" many have put me out to be...but no...I'm no player and I ain't got no game....I don't play games... I'm sitting here thinking about those past moments...I actually just went with the flow of the whole entire damn three dates...yeah...I could've just went for the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-can-I-have-another, but no...I actually took things slow...which I have not normally done before, and it was actually refreshing...I mean...kissing on the second date...yeah...I figure that would've been an awesome potential for something more...but I wasn't even gonna go there...just with whatever happens...and even if it was gonna get "sooo serious," honestly, I would've backed off of it and stepped back...even as friends...but no...all I get is the last phone call and a few texts...thus, the puppy wins...where did it even become evident that I needed to be compared to a small, adorable little teacup chiuhuahua?? Anyway... The point is...I just don't get it.... Do I really exert some type of toxin or signal or weird facial expression that says, "Date me! And then, we can get married!!" Honestly? No really?? I want answers!! It's like I've been searching into soo many other directions trying figure out how the hell I could lose a girl over something as easy as a puppy...I'm not used to the whole dating scene...but this time around (after about five months of not dating...), it was actually cool...I didn't feel like I was doing anything to pressure anyone into anything...like I felt that I had done before...I was just going with it...and that's how I am now...a very chill person, who just likes the company of another woman and enjoying my time to find out about this person and however it may end up going...where did I falter being chill like this? OR MAYBE...it's really just not about me this time?? *Sighs* ~_~' I wish it was me...then maybe I could make it all better by improving the internal workings of me...at least that's what I used to do in my past when I had no trust in myself....BUT I AM DIFFERENT NOW...I have found myself...I AM MYSELF...MY TRUE SELF... SO it bugs me that I don't get it when someone who I got along with soo well can just up and cut off people like that...I mean, seriously?? C'mon!! It's just not right...I'm not that much bruised up over it...I just feel betrayed in some way for probably some odd omitted information that she really didn't wanna get into with me...but then again...life can go many-a-mile with unanswered questions...I just wanna know: If I ever did do something wrong, where did I go wrong? Really, where?? I guess it must be better left unsaid of how it just happened...but then again...I don't think many wanna go around saying it how she explained it to me...I can just read the headlines now...: "GIRL LOSES HER DATE TO A PUPPY." Umm.....yeah....O_o Well, even through all of that...I just hope whomever comes along will just be available...and of course applies to the five standards (these standards I have really do help to keep the crazies and the dramatics outta the way...lol)....wherever that woman may be...I hope that they come and find me...I'm praying for it to happen...and it will happen...where there finally is someone that can put up with me and I with them...and it will just happen...I know it will...

[12 Aug 2008 | Tuesday]

7:21 PM - Love is hard... Current mood: busy So what gives? love is some hard work! Dangit, aint it a bitch...so it happens a couple of times in life...grabbing ahold tightly, sometimes, working it down to those bruised knuckles and then finally letting go...what a trip...imma keep busy from now on and make sure that love doesn't get ahold of me...or at least all of me... Focus is all I need....

[03 Aug 2008 | Sunday]

8:12 PM - What luck I have... Current mood: awake Soo..what luck I have...I'm really not ready...and it's better that I just wait for someone to come along that will be ready...I will know when she comes along...I just hope there's more to me than just the surface of my life...the outgoing, easy-to-talk-to, comedic Ferlyn has more layers than that... I have: My spiritual side My party side My greek side My dancing side My love side My career side and My intense side. There are so many things that encompass me that make me who I am...I'm just waiting until I'll have the opportunity to share that with someone and see their sides too...

7:05 PM - The Lack of Mari.... Current mood: catalyzed Dude!!! It's soo freakin' weird that my best friend is away and I haven't heard from her....I miss my best friend!! (~_~') Soo much to say and get advice/support about the many things that have just went up (and down...and all the way around) in my little life cycle so far...grrr...I will find a way to eventually not always need to have that habit of reassurance...it will be a hard thing to do...but I know I can make it...But...I guess its because I always seek her advice when I'm in a jam of sorts.... Oh wells...I gotta face it without barriers or buffers or anything...I mean, I AM a big girl now...and mature enough to just move myself in the right directions... so I guess it's a good thing I'm not crutching her as my "love guru"....LOL

[02 Aug 2008 | Saturday]

1:06 AM - One Month.... Current mood: cooky/wacky Can I handle it? She's amazing...and taking it little by little will make it definitely worthwhile... Can't wait til Phi Sig's Initiation! And Sunday Bowling! And Tuesday Karaoke! And Wednesday Phi Sig Movie Night! And (eventually...) September 1st! Ahh.....now this is what it's like... I'll keep the updates on what happens during this month...it'll be tough and will unnerve me to the core...but that's the beauty of it all... I just can't wait... (>_<')

[28 Jul 2008 | Monday]

4:02 AM - Uh-Oh....O_o Current mood: chipper I think I just found a new crush... "When you find someone you like, it's better the other person goes with you along the same path rather than just crossing your path..." - Thanks Moya!

[27 Jul 2008 | Sunday]

3:58 AM - A helluvah week and weekend...some new songs...and old updates too... Current mood: adventurous "DUDE!! NO freakin' way!!" That's my reaction to everything that has happened over the course of this week! I've finally gone out to get my car fixed (gonna be done this upcoming week!), had people sleep over, got many things done for getting my diploma, gone Ghost Hunting/Exploring, had soo much hookah, watched a movie that motivated me to get in touch with my spiritual self, hung out with one of my lesbian mommies, found out many things about myself, and ran into some old drama from my past, and got to go to a free concert... And for goodness sakes! These adventures got me a whole new spin in my life... I wonder what else is there to bring about this weekend?? We'll see (^_^)v.... Okay...and the things I have yet to discuss in my "next time" column: -My music: So I'm finally getting ahead start on some new songs....I got three/four more so far...and I wanna make more....I have about a total of 14 of songs and 6 covers that I gotta practice/revise/finish... My new songs are: "If I Told You a Secret" "My Home is Here" "The Homewrecker" "Grab Ahold of Me" -My mountain of clothes: I still have soo many freakin' clothes....and for most of them I keep thinking...."Why in the world did I get that?" and "When will I ever wear this?" LOL.... The thing is....I don't know what my style is...I mean, I'm every bit of me I could possibly be...so how can I put that in terms of clothing?? Hmmm....I really hope that I can find, comfort, style, and personality in what I wear...I really want to exuberate who I am through what I wear now.... Meaning, I've already found myself (for the most part), and that's the inside, so now I'm looking for my outside definitions...let's hope I find that now (^_^)v -My singleness: Yes, of course I'm still single...I don't mind that I'm single, and I'm actually quite used to it..."Relationships SUCK!" still.....so I just know that when that woman who epitomizes and fills out my interests in a person and eventually long-time committment, she will be everything that balances my world and I in hers....hehe >_< I will find her soon... -My friends: I gotta hand it to everyone in my life that has turned out to be awesome friends....and who I speak to often especially....all my friends, as I have realized, are great...and I'm thankful that I have them to help guide me on my journey to fully find myself....and be people of positive influences...ALL of them...are of substance, going deeper and beyond the physical, materialistic, and superficial attributes....they don't need to be anything other than good people with a positive head on their shoulders...I guess my past struggle with finding friends was really about finding the right ones who will be there through thick and thin...and not just people who just meet up at the bar or only hang out when needed...I know who my true friends are and I'm glad and very fortunate to have them in my life... -My First Love: She's in my life again...very interesting...hmmm...the longest running time that I've talk to any woman....and even before I even started trying to find myself...I wonder if she'll ever get outta her own insecurities and change much more...she's getting there...in due time...and I will finally get to meet her...in person... Almost a decade, and I wonder if that pact is still valid??? lol...not much to think about....since we made the pact when I was about 15 years old and her 16 years old....I know that when I talk to her I kinda get a few reminiscent feelings...but unless she could ever grow to be the woman I know she is...all she will ever be is one of my closest friends...I mean, I'm 24 now and so she still has about a year when it will be that decade...lol...she is that someone who I have talked to through all of puberty and my odd moments...one who might be able to understand me at most...ah...oh well...we're only friends anyway, but since we've never met, it's more like penpals if anything...HAHAH....my digital penpal..LMAO...oh goodness... -My Financial Situation: I'm in a tight squeeze with many things...in due time I'll be able to get out of my financial bottleneck...I hope with what is to come, as far as being out in the real world, I'll get the opportunity to be further in my career and invoke a positive spirit among the world...I will have freedom to be a bachelorette with the ultimate pad that will rock all the lesbian socks off...hehehe >:) -Cleaning my room: I gotta clean or I'll end up with stress when Aly gets here O_o And if I don't start making my room a free flowing place at this moment, I'll just pile up with all my paperwork from 6 years of accumulation...(and my clothes too)...Recycling and Clothes donations/yard sales, here I come!! -Fixing my Car: I'm finally getting my car fixed for this week!! (..(^_^)/) YAY! So happy!! HEE HEE...(all that's left is my registration and smog check...)

[20 Jul 2008 | Sunday]

8:20 PM - My kinda crush(es) Current mood: smitten So...I'm kinda smitten with the women who I can only adore from afar (literally and figuratively...) and possibly hit it off with...(but, of course, highly unlikely...) Here they are: - This girl from the Beauty School (who I have a feeling I remember from somewhere) - Technically my first ex-girlfriend turned friend (whom I have yet to meet in person) - My elementary school friend (who I barely met again after 16 years) - My friend that caught my eye (who was the first person I wanted to know when I got into "the lesbian hollywood scene") - This girl I met at pride...(who doesn't even know I exist) - A dancer that was on tv (who I know I may meet soon enough) - A kind-of celebrity (who I've run into quite a few times) Now...from all of these women...there might be a very VERY slim possibility of either a cool date or just "Another Damn Friendship"...but whichever the case...who knows...I don't really go out anyway nowadays to really have many-an-opportunity to share moments with others... Eh....whatever goes...all I know is that RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!! I'm stuck in this pattern of disasterous proportions and when will it ever stop?? AGHH!! O_o Imma go crazy overthinking like this...

[13 Jul 2008 | Sunday]

1:02 PM - U Remind Me... Current mood: neglected This is about my next topic of discussion: My new kinda crush... "U Remind Me" by Usher Yo, I ain't seeing you in a minute, but I got something to tell ya, listen. See the thing about you that caught my eye Is the same thing that makes me change my mind Kinda hard to explain, but girl, I'll try, You need to sit down this may take a while See this girl, she sorta looks just like you She even smiles just the way you do So innocent she seemed but I was fooled I'm reminded when I look at you. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. Thought that she was the one for me, Til I found out she was on her creep, Oh, she was sexing everyone, but me. This is why we could never be. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. I know it's so unfair to you, That I relate her ignorance to you. Wish I knew, wish I knew how to separate the two You remind me, whoa... You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. I can't get it outta my mind...and I know that I like her...but really now...why deny what your heart feels? Because of the "natural" assumption that straight women don't fall in love with lesbians...I didn't ask about her sexuality...I haven't even really spoken to her...the thought of her has kept me up though...if only she'd call me or talk to me...then I'd be much more calm...

[08 Jul 2008 | Tuesday]

9:51 PM - The Dark and Light: It’s all in my head right now... Current mood: anxious Dark: Keep on contemplating Light: Seek the flow and don't overthink Dark: Msg with acknowledgement Light: Msg in general Dark: Call now Light: Wait for call Dark: Exception to "standards" Light: Reinforce the "standards" Dark: Ashamed Light: No worries Dark: Focusing on her Light: Focusing on me Dark: "Homewrecker" Light: "Another Damn Friendship" Dark: Risk-taker without concern of bad habits Light: Prevention of rising bad habits Dark: Breaks my good habits Light: Make my good habits The space in my head right now can't take anymore of this...I'm getting pretty anxious and it's pissing me off....I'm starting to have restless nights because of all the subconscious flow of dreams that pertain to the women in my life...seriously...it's hopeless if I'm trying to sleep and then suddenly I know that I'm starting to think thoughts in my head that keep me doing the "what ifs" and breaking my "standards" (To know what "standards" are, please refer to blog: "The Five Standards")....Stupid habits...damn...they're hard to break...because I've gotten used to being safely placed in drama...and I hate it...I HATE IT...don't need to cause drama in my life....especially with someone who...well...yeah...hmmm... Soo.....here I go again...the Dark and Light of me...(and I'm basically on edge between being part of the Sith or with the Jedis...HAHA...) I'm still single... No one has caught my eye yet... But I'm doing pretty well considering the fact that I am single... So much of why I can't sleep, doesn't really matter... I just want some rest and regular sleeping patterns without women getting into my brain.... I guess, the question in my head for me to sleep peacefully is: When??? When will I get a spark in my love life? When will my soulmate enter my life? When will the love of my life start the rest of my life? When will I get the opportunity to be all mushy, lovey-dovey, love-under-rose-colored-glasses, and miserable? It's just all in my head that keeps me awake at these hours...*insomniac, checking her watch* o:(t_t) (its about 4:50am Pacific Time...)....yep...all in my head...

[30 Jun 2008 | Monday]

2:51 PM - Redoing my myspace.../The Lost Files Current mood: voluminous Soo I figure my MySpace (as well as my life) needs a new facelift...or at least to refresh one's self in order to live again... What I'm trying to say is that I am someone who always finds the need to change others for the better and also myself. It's more heartfelt when I know I can do this...short or long term... A few of my life goals are (and some lighter, smaller goals...and in no particular order): - Make postive change in the world with positivity - Restart the Alpha Sigma Tau Alumnae Chapter on the west coast - Build a community/family that empowers positive change - Live to find someone who I can connect with on a "Soulmate" basis - Have a family and teach my future through what I am learning/have learned - Create stability and a future where I can prosper and live forever happy So whatever happens from here on out, I'm already living to make that change...and actively making sure that I can learn and thrive from being the idealistic and positive person I love being! Why am I redoing my Myspace?? Because spring/summer cleaning is here! Duh! (>_<) I'm making sure I make things count this time...(plus a few things are outdated anyway...) I love my place in this world and I need to start making the "Important people who are not celebrities, but are very very important in this world" list...It'll be fun... Feed me to the pirahnas...and they'll only find out that I'm that blowfish waiting to "Blow up" and have others find it hard to break through my easily contaigous, thick-layered bubbly skin to try and poison my warm, gentle center...hahaha...I love my analogies sometimes...they make perfect sense in my head...and sometimes not... I have a prospect of hope for the future because I can feel it in my soul that I'm meant for something enormously stupendous. Many find it hard/challenging to breakdown a person...but within me and my soul...I am strong. Another thing...is the few things that are in my "lost files." These "files" are the blogs I forgot to write about (unintentionally or intentionally). I know now, I can bear to write about it or remember to finally get it out on paper...Let's go backwards, shall we?? Starting from... 24-25 June 2008: The sorority makes me happy...I'm finally an alumna, and I just can't help the fact that I still want to actively make a change (the active chapter especially...)...I better start developing my network skills, my motivation techniques, and my sweet words to deliberate to all alumnae women of Alpha Sigma Tau National Sorority on or near the West Coast to help out our lonely active chapter and maybe even expand a few more other chapters out here as well... Update: We just really need a retreat for the active chapter and I will need help from everyone to make a better change for the sorority. (I wanna make sure the women I transitioned with and those to before and after me are as world-altering as I am and will be...) 5-8 June 2008: Sooo....I didn't get to spend time with friends on thursday night, go to Erica's Birthday on Friday, go the various parties like my Big Bro's Grad party or my AST/PSK grad party..or many other parties over the weekend....BUT...I did get to spend time with my family the whole three days...Although there were a few setbacks...I know that family is really important...because it was all made up by my family going to LA/WeHo Pride with me. We didn't go to anything much except the lesbian bar after party when Pride closed up on San Vicente. Long walks...and just the fact that they came out with me to pride...I mean I'm actually proud that I have a family that I have...my friends at pride were impressed...I'm very lucky to have my family...we even went to the parade...even though it was cut short, I still enjoyed the fact that my family really understands me and my life...I don't ever need to hide, because this just proves they will always be there for me...*Tears* BEST GRADUATION PRESENT EVER!! Update: I went back home and spent time with my sisters and my mom for her birthday weekend...I will NEVER EVER forget that my family playing dominos and monopoly is havoc...and fun because of how much we're all competitive...LMAO...even add some wine into the mix and I'll beat all of them!! MUAHAHAHAHA! Next time!! First week of June 2008: I am scared since I've been inducted and am going through finals...am I really deserved of this Graduation?? I cried knowing I have no clue what to do after this...once I finally finish...I'm even in debt...again... Update: I might be in debt...but I'm on my way to being the best dance instructor for the CATCH Kids....hells yeah! 1 June 2008: The alumnae inductions/senior sendoff was amazing....I couldn't believe how much time has passed that has changed me...it really is an unbelievable trip...I can't wait to make my alum years even better with the renewed chapter of alumnae in the west! Update: Still alumna...and I can't wait till my lil finds out who her big is...sooo HAPPYYY!! (^_^,) April 2008: The chapter ends on "My (Secret) Crush" story....after Dinah Shore...I finally realized that she just doesn't have it for me...and that's all I really needed to find out...how she is around me 24/7 practically...she doesn't even recognize me...I hope I get paid back for the rent she owes for staying with me at Dinah...all I got from dinah was a new song about her...it really was like an extended weho vacation...except you find out how people are when they're sober/drunk/hungover in the morning/day/night....it's pretty interesting...hmm...I did get in a bunch of pics... Update: Finally told her...well by text message...still haven't seen her...we're really awesome friends though...I know she's not MY type nor am I hers, and I realize that we're better friends than we are trynah be together...too bad she doesn't read these...because if she did...oh my...and she still owes me... February 2008: The "love of my life" chapter...this is the most crucial part of my life that I forgot to even mention...Silvia Valdez...a woman I barely even knew, and ended up feeling such a connection with her, that it was almost too good to be true...I went through a who two and a half weeks feeling nothing but a constant connection with her...except she just completely blew my mind fufilling soo much of my "perfect" girl...I know I'm getting closer...but this is sooo freakin' close to getting there... Update: I guess I wasn't up to snuff, cause I haven't been able to get a hold of her since we haven't spoken...maybe despite the connection we were in the wrong moment to be together...whatever the case...I just know that if it happened again...I'd do it again...and if this isn't what it is...then I'm getting closer to where my soulmate is... NEWER Update: I recently reunited with one of my old classmates...and OMG...she kinda looks like her...hmm...oh goodness...(retired Ferlyn..remember that...sheesh) Aggh soo much to discuss...especially when I get busy...I haven't even paid attention to my fluff...oh wait...that's facebook...hahaha...I'm soo getting off this thing now... Soo...here's to the next stuff to discuss for next time: -My mountain of clothes -My singleness -My music -My friends -My First Love -My New Kinda Crush -My Financial Situation -Cleaning my room -Fixing my Car

[26 Apr 2008 | Saturday]

1:27 PM - The Five Standards. Current mood: adventurous The Five Standards. 1. NO straight/bi-curious/confused/bi-sexual women. 2. NO women younger than a year from me. 3. NO closeted/"not coming out anytime soon" women. 4. NO women from my greek system and/or from my campus. 5. NO ambitions/plans for your future = NO ONSs/FuBus/Dating/Relationship. That's all. Deal with it. Peace out!

[18 Mar 2008 | Tuesday]

1:46 PM - My Birthday Week...(And my crushin’ on my crush...) Current mood: hungry OMG...this year for my birthday was such a fuckin’ BLAST!!! Many of ALL my Loves (AST, PSK, Clubbin, Friends, BFFs, etc.) came out to hang with me!! (^_^)v I LOVES IT!! Tuesday, Mar 11th - I Finished finals!! I got my highlights done! Thanks Anuhea!! They’re freakin’ AWESOME!! I love my hair!! That night I also saw a few of my friends at Club Eleven...even my crush...OMG...she looked so amazing...ahh...anyway...I just showed off my new doo....(^_^)v Wednesday, Mar 12th - I hang around during the day...waitin on things to start...(When I’m really anxious about things, I really wake up early...LOL)...when I finally start my day...I go play billiards and bowling, then drinkin’ at The G-Spot, and The Eagle...I may have not had that many ppl at bowling, or even get my spankings at The Eagle (but it’s never too late either...hehe), but I did get to talk to my crush...ahh...yes...soo amazing...soo down-to-earth....soo chill...that woman makes me smile definitely...eh..um...enough about that...(Plus, I really wanted my Birthday Wish...) Thursday, Mar 13th - Hungover...(see picture in My Birthday Week Photos)...got some stuff done around the condo...cleaned up to go to The G-Spot and Phi Sigma Kappa...I got a Cake (made my darned Birthday Wish on those candles), Jello Shots galore, Cards, a bottle of Mango Carribean Run, and a special bottle opener for me to get everyones drinks opened....There were stripper pole dancing, getting my pants ripped on a tree trunk, MKing it over a tree stump, Beer Pong, and almost being written on for sleeping with my shoes on...OMG...this night was funnn....(Ahh....that night I wish I knew what my crush was doing at that moment...ehh..ahem)and I couldn’t believe it...I had such a blast!! Friday, Mar 14th - Did everything to get my stuff rollin’ and done...I aced finals!! Truck Stop was interesting...I hung out with one of my BFFs Panda at this club for the first time...everyone was everywhere hanging out...I got to see the girls dancing on the bar...drink...and got my Danger Dog...yep yep..yum....and I kept eyeing my crush...dang she so fine...and soo super duper chill...she sure is somethin’....agh...agh...okay, okay...yeah...it was FUN!! Saturday, Mar 15th - Disneyland and California Adventure...it was fun...I finally finished going everywhere around both parks (and I still got one more time to use for my Park-hopper pass!) I got to spend it with my BFFs Mari and Panda....I had soo much fun!! We went on everything before on one side of the park, and then, we went out to Tom Sawyer’s Island (now, Pirate’s Lair), Canoeing, Toontown, Aladdin, to California Adventure, The Hotel Grotto....(if only she were there to hang out with me...hmm)...OH AND Spending the GREATEST moments to end my celebrating with my most closest friends...I know that these two will always be by my side....Hells yea!! Sunday, Mar 16th - Interesting way to have practically no sleep and work a whole day, then still go out to The Falcon to watch The L Word....(and yes, you know it...my crush was there...drinkin it up and laughin a bit too)...then after I’m drinkin’ it up...and almost too much...spent the night at Jacob/Jason’s Apt... Monday, Mar 17th - ...and wake up...do some moving time...and meet up at Fiesta for St. Patty’s Day...soo fuckin’ awesome...and yet soo much happened too...OMG...even drama can happen....lots of it... Tuesday, Mar 18th - Another day...wake up...anticipatin’ bowling...but, ended up just hanging out at Jacob/Jason’s...(wonderin’ if I still can crush on my crush...)...and... NOW...Here I am typing this up...redoing a few things on MySpace...and just getting ready for Tonight at Eleven...hell’s yea...(and I know I’ll definitely see my crush tonight...I am sure of it...but the only thing is...It’s just a lil crush...but I don’t think she’s all that into me...so immah not crush no more..*Gasps*...yep...for reals) I figure that even if I do get the chance to maybe spend time to talk to her...she doesn’t really show that she’d be all that into me...and since lesbian is definitely what she is...she knows who she’d be up on or not...and lately it doesn’t seem like I could be someone she’d want to be all up on.. Aside from that, My birthday week isn’t over yet...just a few more hours and its done...but things can happen in this short amount of time...we’ll see...

[02 Mar 2008 | Sunday]

3:28 PM - A moment with my crush... Current mood: Crushing on my crush Soo...I had this dream...involving my crush and I.... It's just weirdly vague...however, I had feelings of comfort and happiness in those moments I did have with her... I can only remember bits and pieces, so bear with me if I cannot remember vivdly or in a manner that can get to the point... I am in my dreamy state, all in a haze last night, and I find myself talking up a great deal with her...some place familiar...whatever we say is making us laugh and thats when I start having that warm feeling of a friendship/caring type of love...it's freakin' awesome, cause I know that at this moment, its hard to find places to stay within the gray areas...but just completely going with the flow of things, made it much more easier to not expect things...anyway... We go about our day together, spending time getting to know each other...basically just like friends hanging out...and I can't help but try and sneak times to just look her way, or even gaze a lil longer...we talk about some priceless topics that only moments can make valueable, and we smile...(I think by this time we're drinking tea/coffee/smoothies/drinks or something...), then I find this moment where we actually smile longer than expected... Still dreaming, I'm just completely nervous, and I do what I always do when I'm nervous around people I like...and that's trying to do some quirky movement to be funny...but it doesn't phase her much...and seeing right through it, she approaches me, and I get backed up by her somewhere (a weird garden of sorts)...and then right when I think she's about to kiss me...one blink and it gets all hazy...and then, we're in a state as if we've never made any passes at each other...just having fun doing some other activity... This goes on...several times...in different places...different timeframes...different situations...where I get close to getting caught crushing on her, to times when I'm almost kissing her...and then it gets hazy... I basically didn't get much sleep last night, (even if I only had four hours) and had a restless night neverthelesss...but the thing is...remembering just these moments where I get all heartfelt and tenderhearted...makes me just think about my life and say, "Yeah, I feel really good about my life right now..." Friendships can do that...and for some reason...I like how I have this secret... It makes me know that my crushing on her may just be a fleeting moment or not, without ruining anything for blurting out things or even acting on such things irrationally or in a rushed manner... OR... It can go the opposite way and I start to really like her...but its nice to know since I really am just getting to know her better...she will only know that I'm here for her as a friend...(even if there are times I sneak-peek my way towards her beauty and persona...) Aside from the dreaming... I also have had moments with my crush... I have made my gaze at her...just intrigued at the way she interacts with others...or even around me...(not like I need her to like me back right away...) but it's nice to know that I can have the company at times... She's completely new to my life...so it's nice to start in the very beginning as how people regularly do when they are friends or end up more than that or whatever... Now before others or her may start figuring it out...I should end with this lil note about my days with her... I figure that I might as well just do what I do to take care of myself and if having the chance, spend time with people I care about...and maybe even spend a few times with my secret crush... Like that one time...with her...not long ago...hanging out...we were talking...getting to know more about each other... Yeah...like that moment... That was an awesome moment... Even if she is just a crush (whether it be a small or big crush), I know that I'll be happy spending time with someone who keeps great company... And if not...there's just me, my writing, my music, and all of the rest of me that I can keep to make myself busy... But it's nice to have that time and a moment with my crush...

3:15 PM - Finding reasons... Current mood: cooky/wacky Loving the way I am The way I should be The way I want to be... There are many reasons I can find that just fit in my mind... I am embracing each moment I am single, because I am finally putting myself first before anyone else... Loving that this secret crush I have is still just a crush and nothing more; however, I am having fun noticing these little goosebumps that I get, and it has this profound effect of making me giddy knowing that I have a secret >_< Making smiles across the friendships I have, and stablizing a consistency of friends....I'm finally having more than just a radom lifestyle with each moment that passes...instead of random days, with random friends, in random hours, doing random activities...I have places, people, times to share in the loving idea that I know those people will always be there... I just know that classes and graduation is scaring me, however, I can make it work... (^_^)v Need more work hours and another job to cover/save up for the upcoming culmination of financial aid...or else I be doomed...I will find the right places to be soon (^_^)v

[27 Feb 2008 | Wednesday]

8:18 PM - Noticing what happens when I’m single... Current mood: adored LOL....I just realized that I know when I'm not involved with anyone when I: -Start to watch movies on my own (in the movie theatre or renting) -Have time to write blogs/update myspace(like 20 times/day) -Make hours at a time to practice music/dancing -I start taking more pictures of myself (a sad, but true story...LMAO) -Go out a whole lot more and see more of my sisters/brothers/friends on a regular basis -Have a steady, daily routine (for school, bowling, softball, sorority/fraternity, friends, clubbin', etc.) -Get sooo into my career (cuz what's more productive than to get into your career, especially if one does not have the responsibility of a relationship??) It just makes me laugh, because I realize that I just have soo much time on my hands since I'm not really seeing anyone, that I just have more time to myself...and with that, I realize that I am sooo freakin' Self-centered and in my own little world...LMAO Anyway... Aside from that....I: - Have new music that I've created that all ya'lls can listen to... - Am graduating and some of my updates with my grad status... - And of course, speak about my love life :P ------- I have more music that I'd like to put up (once I get my windows activation all straightened out)...Here's my songs so far that are completed: 1. "Why Can't I Have You?" 2. "Another Damn Friendship" 3. "To Tell You, You're It" 4. "Sigue Buscando" 5. "Am I Doomed To Be Single?" 6. "Wonderfully Weird" 7. "IWNGIWSW (I will not get involved with straight women)" 8. "Eternal Bliss" 9. "I'm Yours (Jason Mraz Cover)" 10. "What Goes Around...(Justin Timberlake Cover)" 11. "Leave The Pieces (The Wreckers Cover)" Sooo...I've been in an awesome mode, where I'm getting my music together, playing and practicing with more experience, getting better at an exponential rate (^_^)v (YAY!), and singing WAAAY Better than my songs the last time I posted...(when I get my songs up, I'm going to rerecord all the previous songs...) Yep yep! Thats that! OH yeah, FYI: Some of the songs refer to certain people who I've dated before...Life gives me ya'll to inspire me... (^_^)v ------- BTW, sooo close to graduation...it's kinda freakin' me out!! O_o...Soo...Immah make sure that I have everything cleared up and settled for my last quarter!! I also have my classes that I'm TAing and gonna get put on my resume...i don't think anyone in my major has had the opportunity to TA for a whole semester...I'm all excited!! TAKE MY CLASS: DANC157 Spring 2008 (I'll be teaching everything I know...from Hip-hop, Breakin', Tap, Jazz, Modern, Ballroom, Latin Ballroom, Club/Hyphy, Filipino, Hawaiian [Anuhea will help me out with this one :) yay!], to many more!!!) (^_^)v ------- And now...the moment All ya'lls been waiting for...TAh-DAh! my love life!! (Or more of the moment I have been waiting for...lol) I really have my sights on this woman... My secret crush... Loving it...and relishing the fact that I don't have to say that I like her... But maybe just show her, and somehow she'll soon see it... Or not, and my crush for her will subside... But either way, it's just a crush... (^_^)v ------- So yeah...All in all...I love my life right now...I just gotta make sure I tie up loose ends, close out the unfinished business in my life, clean out the closet, move into a higher state of mind, body and spirit, and move on proudly in singlehood, until the tide of love comes to find me... I love my life...Even if I am single (BTW, I've grown accustomed to being single, and getting better at making my life stable without the responsibilities of a relationship....for now I'm loving it!!)...LMAO

[04 Feb 2008 | Monday]

6:56 PM - Waiting on the world to change... Current mood: listless I have these cravings... These feelings I feel... People I wanna see... Things I wanna say... Stuff I gotta do... Business I need to take care of... But I just feel a bit lost... Oh woe is me...gotta get outta my habits so that I don't form so much into my life in old patterns... Grrr.... Can't I just wait for the world to change for me? Prolly not... Doesn't work out that way....therefore, I must change...

[02 Feb 2008 | Saturday]

7:46 PM - Lesbian Amnesia.... Current mood: voluminous Hmmm....this is just....a theory....a thought....an opinion... About friendships in the Lesbian world....and how Lesbians end up as "really close" friends (soon after a relationship) AND without being romantically involved...and where it gets complicated when one or the other starts to remember only in partial moments.... This is how it goes... Well, when one of the women wants out of the relationship or no longer sees it going anywhere...one of them gets some short-term memory lapse, and suddenly temporarily forgets what has happened in the relationship....And then, they try to take themselves out of the relationship, (or on the other end, tries to forget about it, in order to move on... or any variable between these two spectrums...), and basically go through a period where its either on-off for some period of time or somehow become "very close" friends...almost to the point that they forgot that they could even possibly have had a relationship....Do you remember the things in life that were good, bad, and ugly in a relationship during that time? Possibly not, possibly so...however, you still will forget... Thus....Lesbian Amnesia.... I believe that it's this temporary memory lapse that makes it easier for one/both of the women to get out of the relationship (or forget it/set it aside), therefore, they forget why they got into the relationship and stayed there...especially remembering the entirety of the relationship at all... And SOON, they either become friends....or go through a phase of a complicated on-off relationship... And especially, keep wondering why they: Fell-in-love, Fell-out-of-love, What they ever saw in the other, How they ended up becoming really good friends, Why is it that new girlfriends become jealous when they find out that their "best/closest friend" is someone they've been with and ended up still "always hanging out," but in a platonic sense, How sooner or later, somehow reminiscent feelings start to arise again, and feel for their "old flame," Why is it that they keep going in the same cycle of break-up and make-up, especially in the phase of an on-off relationship, You want to know why? I believe that it's because when we go through "lesbian amnesia," we don't want to confront some things (or aren't ready to realize it...), push it to the back of our minds, or set it aside until it complicates things later.... When we go through this, the most important part of trying to move on or trying to be in a less dramatic place is forgotten. WHAT MUST BE DONE IS...Remembering the entire journey when both were in the relationship... THIS must be realized... The whole journey of: Why you hooked up, What was good about it or made you get deeper into the relationship, What created obstacles along the way and had figured out each other's incompatibilities, Where both women started to fight over these nuances, And how they ended the relationship (or rather not, in this case...at least not completely...) If these things were realized early on and especially reflected upon...it most certainly will make it easier and less dramatic to get in/out of a relationship... Now, the interesting part of this is....when one of the women involved starts to remember the good, bad, and ugly parts of the prior relationship....We either get: A) A complicated situation where these women go through a conflicting friendship (if either/both feel a reminiscence of their feelings, only partially) B) Figure out that their on-off relationship is either gonna keep sticking or eventually end (depending on how one or the other remembers what that "old flame" feeling was...) C) Find out that they must move on completely and know that the entire way they interacted with each other will/must change...(because being close friends, especially soon after a relationship has ended would constitute not ending things completely)... For instance, a "mutual break-up," is usually an easy way to get out of a relationship with the least amount of drama, BUT it must be realized by both parties that the relationship has completely ended... If NOT, then you end up as really close, really good friends (or best friends as well), or in this weird situation where one/both will remember only partial of the memories in the relationship and tries to get back together with the other (in an on-off relationship)... If one/both cannot realize the WHOLE memory of what took part in journey of the relationship, from the beginning all the way until the end....then it would be very VERY difficult to move on and have less drama in later circumstances when seeing that "old flame" or "ex"....thus, when remembering entirely, it is preventing arguments, fights, going back into past relationships, or having more drama (or remorse for each other) when running into the other someplace... Lesbian relationships, can especially get complicated, because its hard to remember when there are women that don't really want to let go, for that little bit of hope that maybe, someday, there might be another chance or that people will change...Of course people can change, but really is it worth the time if you know (even if you don't want to admit it to yourself) that the other person (or even you) is/are probably more compatible for someone else? Just think about that... You can't really stand in the way of what people feel when they feel it, but I believe that if we make conscious, up front decisions/actions, we will be able to lessen the drama... THEREFORE, be conscious of Lesbian Amnesia...