The Myspace Files: 2006

[31 Dec 2006 | Sunday]

2:43 AM - What I wanted for Christmas...and how I got mine! So I posted it on my profile, what I'd like for Christmas....essentially, I didn't really want much except maybe a few new clothes and some bras and underwear...believe me, I just need nicer undergarments now...for that special someone...wink wink...BUT I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF... *Ahems* So here is my Christmast List, and everything in BOLD I got: A Streetboard from Streetboarding.com A Go-Girly T-Shirt from GuapaDesign.com New Bras, Socks, and Underwear - I wanted this because I wanted a new clothing makeover, starting from the inside clothes to the outside ones...Thanks Mom! Converse Shoes A new Digital Video Camera An Ultra Mobile PC New Clothes from American Eagle, Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, Aéropostale, Pacific Sunwear, Gap, and/or Target - everyone will like the new clothes I got from my cousins...Thanks A Bunch! A New Unlocked Cool, Unique Cell Phone A New/Fixed Car (New - Nissan Titan; Fixed - $1100 to fix my car) A Love Unlike that I have ever known...AND THIS ONE....I wanted the most...unknowingly finding out that I'd get it so soon....but it happened....It was awesome...ON CHRISTMAS DAY....I got a girlfriend....with a love unlike that I have ever known....so now, I thank you baby, for making me happy that Christmas Day, and I will see you on New Year's and await for my kiss! As for the other presents, I really do want them...but I guess with each miracle, it's what you want most in your heart that you will receive... BTW...I still believe in Santa Claus....and that miracles can be created at any given moment....And I think this was one of mine...given to me... I'M SO HAPPY (v(^_^)v) YAY! Have a Happy New Year's Everyone! Drive Safely! Don't Drink and Drive OR be Drunk and Driving! Make your Resolutions and Keep 'em to strive to become more awesome people! Let me know if you still wanna help me out with my other Xmas Presents....Cuz I might still want them for my Birthday....lol....j/k (But it would be nice to get that!) Happy Holidays! Frollyn out!

[24 Dec 2006 | Sunday]

8:15 AM - My Life in Lemoore...BOOORRRIIINNNNGGG!! Current mood: chipper There is so much going on....and yet, I am really calm. I got bills to pay, a car to fix (or find and buy another one), register for classes...and yet I am broke....REALLY Broke....like $3 to my name broke. Not to mention that I have to pay others back....anyway, aside from that....it's always my heart that makes me mind about things...I don't want drama inside my life to be in the way of something that's stealing my heart more and more... I can't stop the way I'm feeling...it's just growing and growing all over my heart....I can't help it... There's something about her....and yet we're only dating... Wow....can this be something really good...VERY GOOD in my life... It's Christmas and I'm typing this and talking to her...she's really a part of my life....am I scared to let her know everything about me? and am I scared to let her into my heart? Well...I can only know for sure when those words melt into my heart....and sink in and stick....that's when I'll know... I hope she'll know that I really care about her....and I know there is no reason for me to doubt how she feels about me....I guess my old habits will soon have to be let go....and she'll be in a totally better and renewed me! Ain't that great....she's a first in many....and I only hope there's more...

[18 Dec 2006 | Monday]

5:24 PM - Is the honeymoon over now....hmmm.... Current mood: calm I guess it's just me when I end up taking things to the next level or any level, but I think it's hard to know what one is thinking when they are quiet....especially when they usually aren't... There are many times when I didn't understand the moment of "leaving" or "goodbye." Now, because of all of the little patterns in my life, I have to learn more self-control.....not soo much spontanaeity, but somewhere to the point where it isn't extreme...or taking a bad affect on anyone's life, including mine.... Now...I understand enough to let them be free and have enough room to think and if they want to fly back my way, then I will know that something right is happening with what I did.... I know that she didn't want to burst out with anger and inflict that on me...that takes a LOT of self-control...and with that...I respect that...I mean it did take me a little while to let her leave...but I need to learn my self-control.... There are many things I'd like to say and to just let her know how much I am holding back.....I don't want to get hurt....nor do I want to get wrapped up in something where loose ends are still there...I have drama..and me just adding to anything isn't going to make any situation easier...I really would like to experience a great thing....with you (you know who you are...)... I'm not playing games...I Am holding back (more than you'll ever know...but remember...I'm learning self-restriction...heh)...I do understand that you gotta do stuff to sort things out and everything in your mind....Just realize that I know the reason why we haven't moved from the place we are currently at...I really like the time that we have shared...and I only hope for more...whether friends or not, and whether dating or not, or whether in a relationship or not....among these...I'd still want to hang out and if possible....let it progress to more... I don't want you to forget me... Nor do I want you to lose memory of the moments we've already shared... You already know how I feel about you...and I'm willing to show you more... I'm not necessarily waiting...but just know that you are constantly still whizzing in my mind...and I just know whatever you decide with how you and I are gonna be, you will be doing what is best for you... Just remember that I'm still here to teach your roommate to dance and eat your food...lol.....j/k....but I'm still here to be however it's gonna be... I just want you to be sure you know where you're at right now... *muahs* *hugs* (^_^) Frollyn out!

[17 Dec 2006 | Sunday]

11:39 AM - My 6-day streak of no sleep....(Contiued) Current mood: Elated and very happy So six days.....goes like this... I found out that someone very dear to me has arised out of my life... IT's funny cause in a matter of HOURS we met and talked, and in a matter of DAYS...we're finally gettin' under each others skin....she says that she's not addicted...I say otherwise....in a good way, of course... We're not part of anything really REALLY big.....yet It's actually nice what we have...I guess you can say that it happened in succession like this: Day One: She MySpace's me a msg....and I check it....thinkin' "Hey, more lesbian people....finally! (lol....)....and she's kinda cute....OH....but it says on her profile that she's straight...hmmmm"....So after thinkin' about it, I keep it platonic and just chill...I wanna start new...then I gotta start slow... Day Two (Still awake): ...Then, she sends me a msg back....about our commonalities...and we do that for a couple of msgs.....and then she MySpace IM's me....we talk on there for a couple of hours...into the wee hours of the morning....and I finally went and asked for her number...I had to go do something....but I knew I wanted to talk to her and see what she was like......so I'm off to work/school and I come back....call her...she sounded surprised...after a while of getting used to each other...we talk for hours just talking about what's been going on in our lives...at first, I honestly thought that this woman was "Big-Headed"...b/c of her talk all about herself...and I think it went on for about a half hour from the first time I called....but I wasn't really sayng anything....so I got the courage and we started having dialogue...the more I spoke we started a kind of battle to take over the phone....but after about another 2 hours, we started getting into more dialogue... Day Three (again...still awake): ....and then some....I hadn't done what I did in long while...since 15-16 y/o but...it just happened...it was nice...really nice...and it made me feel different about the day...when the sun came up and the light pierced through my window....we started making plans to see each other later on this night...I went on to do my thing...man, without sleep too...and getting really close to trying to get all my stuff to haul around....I get my Lil to go with me to Mr. Greek, my good friend comes over, even when she's sick...and I burned my CD, for Mr. "Phi Sig" Greek!! I was excited....the time was approaching fast....and she actually wanted to come over and see me....it was funny because all the whole time I was rushing everywhere to get my stuff done, and dressing up (Thanks lil-anchor!! *Muahs* love ya!)...all I could do is think and say and tell everyone, "My Date is coming here!! My Date is coming here!! My Date is coming here!!" She gets lost on her way here, and my good friend comes to the rescue...and she picks her up...and Now I'm just keeping myself preoccupied with Mr. Greek and making sure it runs smoothly...I believe since this day I started having helluvah lot of deja vu moments....I swear....things from my past dreams are starting to make sense...anyway, sooo....I finally am all dressed up all girly and stuff....and it hurts wearin' 5" heels by the way....she finally comes in, and I can't actually see her...everytime I try and get a glimpse of her, somehow....for some odd reason, something or someone just happens to block my sight going her way....I swear...the only time I actually got to see her was when I crossed behind the audience and passed her to direct the music....it was an awesome event....and afterwards, we finally go to talk....lots more talking :) :) :)...and I was pulled aside by my sorority sisters, and they thought she was cute....it's funny because that's the first that I've had someone over that was actually liked....aside from that...we went to my favorite house and we got to smoke hookah and dance and kiss...LOTS...lol.it's was fun and we ended up going to Norms in West LA, eat up late at night (thanks my good friend...you're wonderful!!)...I didn't get to eat a bunch, but I guess I was preoccupied with what was starting to happen: seeing someone coming into my life so fast...and actually getting along with my life routines... Day Four (keepin' up awakness): And throughout the night....we stayed up talking some more...but we finally tried going to sleep, because she had to go to work at 7am and I had to be at work later that day at 10am...we didn't until like 5am though....heh...and as I woke up to drop her off and had a cup of coffee and talk it over with my good friend, I finally was realizing that this is something that I'd like to persue....wherever it was taking me...and however fast....so we finished up our coffee...went and said our goodbyes...I met Javy for the first time...lol...I swear I don't think I was in the mood to speak to anyone because of the lack of sleep I've been getting....I went on to go to work...and I actually fell asleep at work...I can't believe it....falling asleep while talking to someone I was prospecting....lol...oh goodness...I wonder what that person was thinking when I was on the phone with them and suddenly fading out with gibberish....lmao...this was one long day...and every eventful...yep...we finally got to talking right after my work....I swear....there wasn't one time when we didn't stop talking to each other over the weekend, except when one of us had to go to work...and even then, we were texting throughout...that time....I had got back to my house...and at 6pm I left to go to her house...again...the next day...and we had fun, she made homemade ceviche and watched movies...it was really nice...I think then we stayed up really late... Day Five (somewhere else...and got one 30min nap): ...staying up till 5am this day....it was odd and then we had a whole day to ourselves....we got to get up and stay-in....and then around 2pm I had to go back to get to work... I was glad that I had brought a change of clothes...or else I would've been stuck with clothes from the day before...and even then, I was glad that I had went there...even if it was a bit spontaneous...and then come back and work with a smile on my face...anyway, I did have a certain headache...but after I came home, I talked to her again....and stayed up for the whle night....depite the headache....i guess I forgot that I had it when it came to talking to her...anyway... Day Six (finally...somewhere where I got sleep): I went on sleeping in at 5am this morning and ended up flooring a whole day of sleep...I couldn't believe it was 5pm and I missed about 8 calls....man...I should get restless more...I become more on demand....when I don't intend to answer my phone....or expect a call....aside from that...when I woke up....I had to go and do my daily routine...this was probably the first time that I didn't talk to her right away...but I did...after work...I couldn't believe how much I missed her after only having known her only 6 days....WOW.... And Now...: After that...it only makes sense that we just started talk and get to know each other....and for each day that passed...I just felt that it we were really getting into something big..."one day at a time...step by step, Ferlyn" is what I tell myself....it actually is turning out great....I love it...and I think how it's happpening is getting to be more and more serious everday.... As of right now, I've been here with her for over a weekend since friday night/saturday morning...my first weekend here...and I'm already kinda....addicted...just a lil...heh I like it...and I can't wait to share how much care there is out there that I'm starting to really care for this one I got....for you CURVY...LMAO.... Frollyn OUT! (\(^_^)/)

[23 Nov 2006 | Thursday]

5:52 PM - Am I going crazy?? Current mood: determined I'm contemplating whether or not I should still be doing what I'm doing....I have checked my email and no reply....and plus, I don't know whether or not she's been on or even checked out my emails....I only hope that she'll get to me somehow....or am I just going crazy over women??? I've sent it out about a few weeks ago...and no luck...will she return my email? Let's wait and see...

[20 Nov 2006 | Monday]

6:54 AM - So another epiphany dawns on me...my lack of consistent friends... Current mood: nervous So I was thinking this earlier... I have numerous social circles, however...I'm not consistent in keeping close relations with my friends or even acquaintances...It seems as if I find friends who I hang out with for a long or memorably-short period of time and then suddenly I disappear... It's not because I get tired of my friends or find better ones...it's just that I really don't know what to do next after the "meet and greet" part at the start of the friendship...I really don't....I mean, in my past, I was excluded from growing up with consistent friends...one time, I wanted to be a friend to someone who I had known for a long time and I wanted to actually hang out with her, except her best friend prevented much of that from happening...much teasing and laughing at me (instead of with me) occurred in my early childhood....so it's probably why I phase in and out of social circles...and why I say so little about me...and just take things how they are in the beginning and never let you see more of me... My trust levels are quite bordered with no intention to let many in because of the hurt that it can cause me...I don't like the blackmail, the teasing, the laughing at me, the pranks put on me, nor the social seclusion...all of this has happened early on in my life...and now, I just want to find friends who I can hang out with...because really...maybe I don't know how to ask for closer friends...when I do want to hang out more...I guess I don't ask it enough to let them know that I want to get to know you more, especially start on a consistent friendship...because that is really what I'm looking for out there...and I've tried...and maybe my way of asking for more than being "someone you know" to becoming friends is just a bit different than how others develop friendships...because, seriously, I don't know how it gets to that "after the introduction" part... If you have ever been ask these questions that I have asked you, then this is me just asking to be friends more...because how does a friendship really grow?? They hang out for a long time and find common things to do, right? Here are the questions I've asked people... "Hey, what's your phone number? Maybe sometime we can hang out!" "Call me...(and I'll repeat it numerous times somewhere in a conversation)...make sure you call me!" "When are we gonna hang out?" "Do you wanna go get starbucks/jamba juice?" "Hey, what are you up to?" -In a phone call "Hey, It's Ferlyn! I'm just wondering if you wanted to hang out, give me a call!"-Something I'd leave on a voicemail "Where have you been? I've called you and you never pick up! When are we gonna go get some coffee/hang out/watch a movie/go to the club?" "Hey I wanna go to (a place), too!...When is the next time you guys are going to (a place)? Maybe I can come along! Call me to let me know when you're going!" Plus, if I ask you many questions...then I attempt to know who you are... And many others... For many of these things, I try and hint to say that, yes, I would like to be friends with you...but it would be too weird just saying, "I would like to be friends with you! Wanna hang out, get to know each other?!?" Yes...most people don't really say that...so really how does one become friends and start hanging out? Or is it just me??? Am I a bit too hyper??? weird??? too distracted??? smothering??? annoying??? A lesbian??? a morbid "oh, poor me" personality?? Or that I really can't make friends??? For most of the questions above, I end up not having any phone calls back at all...or get stood up to hang out sometimes...and I even call back and leave msgs too....but people just somehow back down from my requests of getting to know them...I mean, it's not that I'm here to flirt with anyone, I just like to get to know people on a personal level...because for some reason i can work well on a 1-on-1 basis...but I guess that isn't how it is...so how is it that I can end up with good, consistent friends??? Please let me know... Some of these attempted friendships include: - Those who got to go to Cerritos for C-Fest. - Those who asked me to go to pride with them. - Everyone who I ask to go get coffee with me and have backed down/not call back. - Everyone who I call to watch a movie with me. - Everyone I call to give information on some random thing concerning something that we've talked about that I honestly felt that we could be friends because of it...(ie - let you know about a job, if you need help with something, letting you know about an audition, or something near to advice or an outlet...) - People who I call at random times. - People I try to call and leave msgs for and try to hang out. - Everyone I plan things with and end up having no call or whom I can't get a hold of to confirm plans to go somewhere. - My Big. - My "Lil." - My Co-Sisters. - My Co-Sisters' Lils. - My Lil Anchors. - Many people in AST. - Many people in Phi Sig. - Many people in the Alphas. - Many people in DZ. - Some people in Sigma Nu. - Many people who are alumni in the last 4-5 years that I still try to talk to. - Many people from my classes. - Many people who go to the lesbian/gay clubs or bars. - People in High School that I've tired hanging out with. - Some people in Annual Fund. - Some people in Outreach and Recruitment. - Many people in WFG. - Some people in Team Flight. - Many people from back home. - Everyone who I've just met that I've tried to hang out with. Although I know that many people may not read this...I just want everyone to know a little about me...that's how it is with me...I try and be a real as possible for everything...and I'm not trying to guilt anyone from hanging out with me either... Lately, I really just hang out with myself most of the time...and it's not that I'm desperate for friends...it is just nice to have some friends to talk to and hang out with, ya know?...so why not be friend and find out who I am? I'd really appreciate it (^_^)...Plus, I really do more than just hang out...I try to find a friendship in it...

4:24 AM - There are Temptations for Lesbians Too!! (O_o) Current mood: weird So mind you, on Friday, I felt very conflicted...I was able to have the opportunity to dance with two women of my choice... my potential friend and my crush... If you had the opportunity to be stuck between two beautiful women, what would you do? That was my question the whole entire time I was between these two... I was able to dance with both of them, however, both are to be assumed straight...and I ended up half the night trying to entice these women, even if I knew that I would possibly end up not getting a girl in the end of it...but for some reason, my hormones got to me and I could not resist temptation...DAMNIT! [IWNGIWSW!] Even near the end of all the dancing, I was able to hang out with both of them...this is what happened: ...giving my jacket to my crush, ...then, at the same time, hanging around my potential "friend" ...going back and hugging my crush because she was still cold ...and then later seeing my potential "friend" leave and see me hugging my crush... but...as a dumbass as I am ...i let go hugging my crush and hug my potential "friend" goodbye ...and then it looked like it would get complicated... ...it seemed as if my potential "friend" would be in a slight loss of hope for anything to happen between me and her... ...and my crush seemed uncomfortable, immediately took off the jacket and left shortly after... Damnit...I thought I'd let go of enticing straight women into the lesbian world I am part of? I'm RETIRED from playing that game! I am only looking for lesbians...I can't handle another reason to give myself some type of insecurity of "Is she gonna still love me or suddenly find out that she's straight and tell me she was just experimenting??" I can't handle another relationship like that....6 relationships have gone and passed like that....2 of which I am still a bit sore from...I gotta GOTTA STOP! It is VERY difficult to try to exclude "straight/bi/bi-curious" women, but I just gotta...and even after that incident on Friday, I just have to remind myself....[IWNGIWSW!] DAMN YOU TEMPTATION! It even hooks onto Lesbians too...(~_~')

[14 Nov 2006 | Tuesday]

7:32 PM - OMG....How can this happen??? Current mood: confused So it starts.....When I finally become available in some way (and quite independant) this comes along and happens..tonight of all things...I can't really say many specifics, because to all my readers out there, I believe that I should slightly withdraw from information that may lead to my demise... It's actually REALLY GOOD NEWS (especially from how I'm feeling inside)...however, this can also lead me into a world that I must NOT go back to...sorry to say it (and please no offense), it's the "straight world of women"....as much as I'd like to persue something, I know (and I hope to GOD that this isn't the wrong decision), that I can't persue it......I have to stick to my word and stay on this side of the world...sorry (~_~')...as much as my being feels this compelling urge to just get to know her, it doesn't seem fair to those women who probably have their eyes on me too...(lesbians only, please...don't wanna start a cycle of drama and insecurity all over again, unless you find out that you are completely lesbian...then I will take that into consideration...however, those who are fully-outed I do accept the "passes," flirting, and everything else (^_^)v...anyway,)...I haven't even given the chance to the one I was actually talking to...and I must...I MUST FORGET ABOUT THIS PURSUIT, put it behind me, and retire my flirtacious ways with straight/bi/bi-curious women.... ....I have to... ...in order for me to basically not fuck up my esteem, pride, and not-to-mention my mentality of how the "lesbian dating world" works...the women-who-like-women club...I can't get involved with straight women.... ....IWNGIWSW...you know what hat means??? I Will Not Get Involved With Straight Women ...and basically, I shouldn't...everytime I write it down: IWNGIWSW....It reminds me of my past hurt, and that my future crushes can no longer entail one SPECIFIC quality that I shall not have me face that cycle again...being a "straight(including bi/bi-curious) woman." How can I make this simple...saying anything at this point will just make it more easier for those to find out who I may be talking about...however, in my discreet ways, I only hope to find a friendship in what I've found... So what, if we like a few of the same things? So what, if I tried avoid this situation around her (even though it didn't work)? So what, if I ended up on the other side of the room, next to her? So what, if we find more things to joke about (and even inside jokes)? ....I can make a friendship out of it....right?? I know that we could be good (or even great) friends... ...and right now....yeah (suddenly having my epiphany)....I do need more closer friends...and really good ones for that matter...so this is probably what it's meant to be: Friends...REALLY GOOD FRIENDS!...and yeah, maybe I could be just looking at it in a way which I'm only hoping for me, right? Plus, I got a date tomorrow/this afternoon, and a full schedule today! Letty = Car Drive Sheila = Violin and Piano Jam (Get-To-Know-My-Lil-Anchor Day!) Deborah = Hmmm.....(^_^)v ....hee hee...yay! New people! AF = Calling peeps for Work After Work = ????? Maybe sleep and plan for tomorrow... Sooo.......As for everything that is happening...I only hope that I can change my ways...unless miraculously I find someone who is actually into girls and I didn't know it.....however, that's usually a longshot...thus, I must let go of that and change a part of me...(letting go of any part of "love" is hard to do...especially since I'm a "lover," not a fighter...trying to make that O-so-good feeling of love, among other things, in the women I court...it is difficult to just square it off to certain women, but with the seriousness of my relationships that I hope to have, I hurt more when I get set-up for a dumping from myself or the other person...)....therefore, I must do it...I must put an end to my misery, have a "normal" (lol..."normal"...lmao) lesbian dating lifestyle... Now the real question is...can I keep that promise to myself, and not fall into the trap of hurt again?? especially by another straight woman?? I will really need to think about this one...

[30 Oct 2006 | Monday]

4:19 PM - Another Dream....Oh GOODNESS.... Current mood: indescribable Sooo......it's funny how I have dreams that actually find its way to make a story and a "to be continued" line sometimes....and that's where this is leading to....another dream about my CRUSH....it's hard enough as it is to find out that the person you really REALLY like is not interested in the same gender as herself....so now...I have this complicated dream...and as it seems, the emotions grow stronger...I swear, ...I think I need to get out more...(O_o).....Okay then, here goes nothing...and please...don't read into it...take it how you are reading it....it goes on how it is...nothing sexually explicit...it's all just romantic... I'm running down a hill and towards someone...and I feel like I'm about to crash into them....except I am stopped by them and end up hugging them face to face....so that I won't fall...(she basically prevented me from falling)...so here goes the dialogue... Me: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. (trying to let go and stand away...but I feel her hand gripping my arm, holding me in my place.) Crush: Wait...no, it's okay. Are you okay? Me: Uh...(out of breath)...yeah...I just wanted...to... (I can't look away, because she stares at me with eyes that are pleasent...but I don't know whether they are of friendliness or of hidden emotions....so I kinda take the risk) It's kind of awkward, but I kiss her...lips closed...and I can feel her lips tighten together out of surprise...so then I don't do anything...knowing her reaction wasn't necessarily pleasent...but then I feel her grip tighten on my arm...and while still holding each other in the same place, I end up just staring at her as if caught in an act of guilt...scared of what will come next...she just stares at me, with the same eyes as before...that very pleasent, unpredictable facial expression. So then...I feel her thumb rubbing my arm....and she just barely and slightly smiles...so I kiss her again...still lips closed...held on for what seems more than a minute or so, and in that release I can feel the lips of hers part... I know I am about to end up probably making out with her, but in that haze,.... I get woken up.... by my phone ringing to the sound of one of my co-workers at Outreach & Recruitment...but she mistakenly called me...out of my sleep...you think that's a coincidence?? ....anyway, it is ironic that she called...because....(blah blah blah hint blah blah blah)... WTF?!?!? AGAIN!?!?! It wasn't like I wanted to know what was gonna happen next...because I didn't want anything to happen...dream or no dream, in the first place...there isn't any room for me for someone who I know is STRAIGHT...but as I was awake and I lay in my bed FREAKIN' OUT over what had happened...and cursin' myself for dreaming up a stupid dream again, I questioned and wanted to know one thing...did the other person dream the same thing??? Probably not, right??? Because...that is where it becomes awkward, when I know that maybe in my subconsious mind I truly do like this girl and it's telling me to let her know or make me believe in something that I'm wishing for...which, sometimes, it's usually the greater of the two evils....AND... ...If other things in life slightly progress or if I end up being close with those around her...I may just end up hanging near her and have it be more awkward for me... And believe me...I hope that this doesn't happen again.... OH! and on Saturday...when asked the question if I was seeing anyone...I wasn't sure, Daisy,...but if you're thinking what I'm thinking, then you know who you saw during that event...BUT...as for me, I don't want to have "confused," "I like Ferlyn ONLY" or even probably "bi" women in my life...I swear...it just makes life more complicated... I mean...it would be easier on my brain to know that you know what you want...and I won't have to worry about many insecurities that I may have.....because...I have had MANY "confused" (and one bi) ex-girlfriends...all of which ran back to boys...which kinda sucks...I don't need that drama...DAMNIT!! I really need a life...with others who can just be there without me worrying about the next one I'm gonna have a crush on....one of the reasons why I should keep busy is because I think WAAY too much into a situation....and plus...if I have ANOTHER DREAM....AGAIN....I think I will need some advice from ANYONE out there that can solve this dilemma... Here's my dilemma: -I know my crush is straight: implied by the associations she has...she never actually admitted..however, I haven't seen her take a liking to any guys that I have seen...but case-in-point...It's under my best interest that I should naturally assume that ALL WOMEN are straight...to be on the safe side of "Lesbian Abstinence"...LOL...aww... :( how sad...I don't want to be an ABSTINENT LESBIAN DAMINT!! -I do not want to deal with straight, confused, or necessarily unsure bi/bi-curious women: Ideally there is more drama to those who "don't know what they want," especially in a "relationship they've never experienced." I don't need more crap on my plate that will let me know that i'm more insecure or thought to be insecure because i date others who especially grew up believing that "it's okay to date men; it's not okay to date women" where does the validity of my relationship go when I date someone like that??? I can't deal with that any longer... -I do not want to deal with the closet: it is more sadder that those who are unique, aren't proud of their damn identity, and are going to hide that from society...although, due to my relationships...I have only had one relationship where it was somewhat slightly valid...however...point-taken to the "straight" women...she was one of them....there I had to deal with the identity crisis of my ex-lover-who-was-a-straight-women-who-gave-me-an-exception-to-the-rule....so why me?? what is in me that attracts straight women? It would be nice to know so that I can prevent that from happening...because I don't need that drama... -How can I be more assertive?? I need a way to pull me out of the "straight"-dillemma...I have not necessarily liberated myself completely due to my relationships being well secluded...Help! -Where can I find all the women who are interested or are interesting?? Damnit!! I need liberation!! I need a place in someone's heart where I can be proud of who I am and not be forced or convinced to be ashamed of what I do in public or my PDA needs...I LIKE FLAUNTING MY PDA...so that you damn well know that I'm proud to be with whom I'm with!! Help me out and I'll greatly appreciate it...until next time...Blog-wise ONLY...NOT Dream-wise...AND I REALLY HOPE NOT. (Why Not? Because it really makes it hard for me to actually be friends with other women who I know are straight instead of leading into a crush where I know I will be "crushed"). DAMNIT!! Help me out...and help me find a place in the world that will keep me busy...

[22 Oct 2006 | Sunday]

4:34 PM - A dream....weirdly and honestly just a dream...and my thoughts afterwards Current mood: Fuckin' Confused and Frustrated as FUCK! This is from a dream from last night/this morning.... So from what I remember....I was on the ground huddled up behind two grils...I guess we were in a crowd of people and in the front of it, so we had to sit down on the ground...I guess at one of the Interfraternal Sports Games...One girl I was seeing (in the dream only) but not exactly exclusively and another one who I have a crush on (in real life)....So then it happened exactly like this in the dream...from what I remembered...near the end of the dream... I put my chin upon my crush's right shoulder, I'm kinda in between her and the one I was seeing and behind them, but I was hugging my knees from behind and my legs were grouped and bent to my left side, behind my crush...almost nearly wrapping around my crush...in my dream I guess I subconsiously put them there to slightly be flirting (yeah...in my dream I subconsiously do things too) ...not really flirting...cuz I don't notice it...anyway, then this dialogue happens: Me: How are you doin? *Friendly Hug (Only)* (I guess I just sat down behind them) Crush: I am doing okay...Can I tell you something? Me: Sure! What is it? *niavely* Crush: Do you wanna (crowd cheering...blocking out what she says) Me: What...I didn't catch that... Crush: Do you wanna go out? Me: Like on a date? Crush: Yeah, like on a date...I wanna go out with you... Me: Like on a date, date? Are you sure you wanna go out with me? Crush: Uh huh. Me: So...we're gonna go out on a date then? (The One I was seeing overhears...otherwise will be known in this case: "1 I'm Seeing") 1 I'm Seeing: What? What did you say? (to Crush) We both look at her... Crush: I...(says something, but can't hear with crowd cheering) ...then I'm about to say something, knowing something is about to go down....Then... I wake up!!! When I'm up, I get outta bed and think to myself... What the fuck!?!?! How can two people like me...even my crush...she's STRAIGHT!! Damnit...I don't need more drama!! I don't need this...Why do dreams have to be like this?!?! This gets everything more complicated! And guess what??? I have someone else (in real life) that had been sleeping right next to me in my bed (nothing happened, we were actually sleeping, because I was very tired to take her home..and my place was closer, and I knocked out and went to sleep...after eating dinner...but I'm not interested in her), and she's completely not one of the people in my dream. BUT This dream just totally wakes me up. I can't remember why I started even subconsciously (when awake) dreaming up something like this....what does it mean?!?! Oh GOD...when I finally wanna break free of people who are straight....they come back in my dreams...DAMNIT! I can't stand the fact that it really IS gonna be harder to let go of this situation. Maybe I should just make sure the one I DO have a crush on is NOT a lesbian...but why even ask? I myself should already know the answer...SHE'S STRAIGHT!! PLUS, she doesn't answer my phone calls anyway....so that should give me a clue...I hate the fact that I can't stop flirting my way through straight women.... I GOTTA STOP...I GOTTA STOP giving away my favorite green jacket when women are shivering...I GOTTA STOP hugging too friendly-like...I GOTTA STOP thinking that there is a reason why my crushes would like me...They've all mostly been straight...I just somehow doubt that they might not be straight, and I gotta stop that...I GOTTA STOP looking for women at Greek Events, especially at the "Fear Factor" one...It's not right that I gave my Jacket then...I GOTTA STOP looking through Cal State LA...I GOTTA STOP thinking that straight women will really consiously make the decision to like me, or even women!...I JUST GOTTA STOP liking straight women period!! DAMNIT!!! UGH! I can't get that part of the dream outta my head!! Why did I have to like someone who's NOT Lesbian....I GOTTA GIVE UP...NO ONE THAT IS A LESBIAN (THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE) WILL WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME... *Crying*...(!_!')...What's wrong with me?? When will I get the chance? Never?? Or am I really flirting with girls who have subtle lesbian tendancies??? (I GOTTA STOP thinking like this!!) Nope...I just wanna think that there is....Right?? DAMNIT!! It's hopeless...gotta stop and take more plunges...just not on campus or at greek events...too many straight people (no offense...but there's no flirting room for lesbians like me...especially in the greek system). Why even try and look my best around women who I know are just there in the greek system to hang out with the guys?? Why even try to flirt with anyone on campus who I know are there to just be my friends?? Damn You...Heterosexually-minded Society!!! It makes it harder for a women who has been repressed by society for her sexual orientation to finally "get the girl," especially when this woman (I'm saying, ME!) has never really been given the chance to actually be a Lesbian! Fuckin' Society...I GOTTA STOP blaming society for my woes...if I had the confidence to just go up to women who are lesbians...then I'll be able to get the freedom and repression out...Fuck, I need more lesbian friends...Sorority sisters, yeah..they're really close...but I need more lesbian friends...just women who I know can relate to similar situations... DAMNIT!!! AND where are all the Freakin' lesbians on campus?!?! Are they all hiding?!?! WTF?!? I can't even find a lesbian in my classes!! Where are they!?!?!? Damnit....ugh....I really now give up...there's just no lesbian women who will hit on me out of a crowd and try to pick up on me...and vice versa...where? Where?? WHERE?!?!

[25 Sep 2006 | Monday]

4:27 PM - A loss to FORGET... Current mood: stressed Can you believe this? All this time I figured I did something wrong, and I end up more hurt than the person I tried to hurt. I suddenly realize that she really does mean it when she tells me that most of the time she lost interest in me. So what does that leave me with? I can't imagine that most of my VERY CRITICAL decisions were now over an influence of the wrong kind... There was never a reason for me to stay. There was never a reason for me to even hold on. There was never a reason to even celebrate my ups that I have been experiencing. Is it possible that most of my time has been wasted on something that cannot simply be tangible?? It hurts me to know that the person I had spent ALMOST A YEAR with had told me that she lost it BEFORE OUR 6 MONTHS!!! C'mon! WTF!!?!?!?! I cannot believe it...but it's true... I guess what I really thought to be "too good to be true".....Really was. Now as I mope over the fact that I must now let go...there is never a time I let go of her...Until NOW. I mean, she was going to be "THE ONE." ALL, and I mean ALL of the puzzle pieces were there...you just put together all the good things I found myself attracted to and she had the combination of it all. But now, it was too good to really be true...I loved TOO MUCH...and that's what was missing...she never really or even FULLY loved me back. I mean, how can that really be?? "I LOVED TOO MUCH"!?! Oh god, where will my love life end up now?? I am so stupid to even fall too deep in love and end up really hurt. It really wasn't my cheating that ended the realtionship...it was the fact that her heart no longer wanted mine. We attempted some type of relationship after the first real initial break-up, but she didn't even budge. She just forced herself to "love me." No longer was the love in her eyes. From the night of our last time we have spoken to each other, I know now that I must move on. I took a long deep look into those lovely brown eyes that I had grown accustomed to...and now....it hurts to even look her way. She has moved on...and I hope that she knows this...I loved her with all my heart, but now, I must move on. I can finally let go...as much as it may hurt...those scars will heal...I know. Hiding a front for all of this, soon people will find out the true me. I don't care how much people look into me and my life. Attention or no attention, I put my life out there in the public so that the real me is there. Much of my passion has fleeted away from the "Handbook of Love," however, I know that this may come to be interesting reading later for my records and whomever wants to just get to know me (and even may be too afraid to try it...). Wherever my audience lies, it won't matter. I know that I'm REAL. And I know... Love will come....for me....Eventually...

[07 Sep 2006 | Thursday]

8:10 PM - _a_t _ _ _ ....A person intended to...and may never get a chance to be with. Keep it on the hyphy All I see in lifey Is only find that wifey Keep her in my life see look at all my blogs though, I ain't got no showboat, I just want some yo-gos, eat 'em up like ya'll know. I keep bending backwerds kept on bein' awkwerds not knowin' if she likes wurds Flying out like those birds Waiting for one to come 'round Seeing her in backgrounds Looking at her undergrounds Living up in smackin' sounds Can't believe its happening Wait, don't, its all clearin' damn! why am I dreamin' One girl got caught in my scenin' Now I can't believe this you're twenty-five, shh secret, she don't know I keep it a crush I got beneath it She may already know I hate to keep it down low Why do I make the time go Not make risks till I know so In the end I will find Make sure she's got mind, Something from behind, And maybe be divine Or maybe just be mine. It's quite intentional So not hard to break coals or codes in this goal in hopes to find the mole. This is for the that person I am in the know that I can be cool with her. Only problem is, she'll never know that there is much to be discovered in me. Don't even know if she'd be interested at all. Knowing that the most likely thing to happen is to be turned down or let down. But that's okay...Maybe someday, I'll try to make a pass on a girl and they reciprocate....If I weren't afraid to do that....coming from my personality, I would be much more bolder....I guess from these flaws, they were there so that I don't die out from having too much of a good thing ;)......Much love to ya'lls....hope you enjoy....Feel Free to Comment ESPECIALLY: _a_t _ _ _

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08 Jul 2006 | Saturday]

5:43 PM - A loss I will never forget... Current mood: crappy What have I done... I've finally had the love of my life just ripped from me. All because I went and messed it up. As I sit here and think about all the wonderful things that we have had, I stop to wonder why now, we fight, I don't listen, I spend more time selfishly on myself when we're together, and now...I have Cheated. Never in my life have I done that. Now, I feel so alone. "I want you back, -----." I want to do everything in my power to get you back. I was honest. I told you before anyone else. I love you. Is there anything that can help me get your trust back? Get back your love? The same feelings that I hope you still feel for me like I do for you? What has happened in my life to make me like this? I feel so guilty, but I deserve it. I deserve the pain that I have caused upon your heart. I deserve the loss of a wonderful life that I have shared with you for almost a year. I don't want you to leave and let go. I am listening. I am changing everything in my habits to be come a better person. I will never cheat again. Will you believe me? Please do. I AM CHANGING as we speak. I don't want a life without you. I want to be by your side from the beginning till the end. I actually planned on telling you on our first year that I wanted to be with you forever. I didn't plan on this incident that would throw our relationship away so quickly. I was stupid. I've become inconsiderate. I have no excuse, because when it comes down to it: I CHEATED. :( You do have every right to hate me and despise everything I've done. Is there a way to make up for what I've done?? Is there a way to win a piece of your heart?? Is there a way to be with you still?? Is there a way for me to make up the things I've caused in our relationship?? Is there a way to still tell you I love you and you still taking it to heart?? Is there a way to love you and be with you soon?? Is there?? I planned on being with you......for a VERY LONG TIME. If you know that in the long run this isn't for you, then let me go. If you believe in your heart that I won't change, and the cheating will happen again, then let me go. If you know that introducing you to my family probably meant nothing, then let me go. If you know that I am not the one you want to be with for a VERY LONG TIME, then let me go. If you know that I can move on without you and find my soulmate later in life (and it isn't you), then let me go. But, this is how I feel... I want to share a lifetime with you. I want to fill your heart with good feelings instead of the "bad" ones that I've plagued it with for the past couple of months. I want to give you a life of sorries and an eternity of forgiveness. I want to live with your heart surrounding mine always. I want to protect you from a world of pain, and from the pain I've caused. I want to know that the love I found hiding under my nose the first time, is still there. I want to feel the love we've started with over and over again. I want you and me together. Even if it isn't forever, I hope it to be for a long time. Please, if anything, give me one more chance to make it with you. You're the inspiration to make me who I am, and I know you can't forget the time we've shared. If anything, give me chance, I know that this feeling won't change because I still felt that even before this whole incident. Please, if you don't want to move on, just tell me. Please, No Mixed Signals. Know in your heart fully that you no longer want to be with me. And tell me. To my face. Tell me I'm a cheater. Tell me I don't deserve love. Tell me I'm selfish. Tell me I'll never change. Just Tell me, I'm not the one. Then I'll move on. Whichever way it goes, please tell me without mixed signals. I know how I feel and I'll still feel this way. I'll find ways to make sure I change for the better. If you know that you won't feel this way, then let me know. It's much better than to leave me wondering, hoping, holding on... ~~For my one and only love...~~ (I'll keep on hoping you'll still let me be yours once again...)