The Myspace Files: 2005

[06 Aug 2005 | Saturday]

8:32 PM - Someone NEW.... Someone has come across my eyes Others might want to pry She opened up me to new things I'm much more happier it seems OMG, I can't believe this She's into me, "This LiL Miss" Yet it has ONLY begun But I feel I've already won Funny how things start out Lots of things have come about One of whom I'm seeing We're both happy lil beings Liking in the most unlikely places And SHE laid out all the aces Soon somehow, be exclusive It WON'T BE illusive Unafraid to show others our PDA Yes, when Fall arrives, we'll have beautiful days Our only obstacle so far Will others publicly be scarred? People will soon know Who I'm with...SOOOO... I'm seeing someone, no doubt! Can you figure it out? :P (^_^)v

[28 Jul 2005 | Thursday]

5:05 AM - Was it a date or wasn't it? Current mood: weird So I got to hang out with this wonderfully sensational woman that I met on Downelink/MySpace....and it was really fun! We got to go eat some GOOD FOOD, walk through the Arcadia Mall, trynah prevent ourselves from buying things at the mall, she ending up buying a book, we got some Starbucks Frapps, we went to my guy friend's house and hung out there with some of my sorority sisters and him, while we finished up our starbucks drinks, and we went to my house and I played music while she checked her stuff online. It was a very eventful day, and we got to know a lot about each other. But somehow I feel that sometimes I might just end up rushing into things or think too much into something like actually assuming it was a date or not...I didn't really think anything of it, until it came to the part when we went to my friend's house. My sisters just had to bring up that I was "on a date" once they saw that I was hanging out with this lovely woman...I didn't know what to think of it by then....b/c I really naturally think that it was just hanging out and chillin'....especially since she's already seeing someone else....so I guess I questioned it a bit....however...I actually want to take things slow and establish a foundation of acquaintances or friends or some level on which we can get to know each other platonically before anything really starts...I don't wannah rush like I have in the past (eg-automatically assuming the position of a relationship if things just click in the beginning)...I mean I may have grown wiser and because I've been single for a while....I somewhat gained my sense of independance. She really was a great person to hang out with...with lots more I'd like to know about her...and even though I probably rambled throughout our whole hanging out process (and I felt really silly for already bringing up the subject of that word that screams "commitment"--Marriage....Oh god...why did I ever bring it up?!?! I really shouldn't have..(O_o).....anyway).....I really liked the 6-7 hours that we had spent getting to know each other...that is what I wanted....someone who I can get to know before I make any drastic decisions of moving forward into something.....and I'm glad that I'm getting that experience....I'm just hoping that I won't fuck it up by rushing it into something more... I did get to talk to her on AIM later in the night and we talked for a good 3 hrs....She is just full of surprises...considering our conversation...I was slightly amused (and other things) at what we talked about....over the conversation though....i did start to think back on that question in the back of my mind: Was it really a date or not?? I mean even though she IS seeing someone else...we went for lunch, walked around a mall, got coffee, I introduced her to my friends, and we went back to my place...it could seem like a date (since we did hang out for about a good quarter of a day), but the actual details of our "date" would actually look like the starts of something a bit more platonic. HOWEVER....with the conversation that I had online with her later in the evening....I really had to rethink what I was doing and why i flirted so much....I was being a bad BAD girl (in a way)....I mean....in some sense of it...you belong to someone else...or are "taken" if you have some type of emotional/physical attachment to a person....something more than just platonic....and I really pushed that limit during our conversation online...I mean I wasn't trying to...unfortunately, I think I was more or less teasing her since "forbidden passion" is somewhat of a weakness of mine....... Maybe I am just overthinking this thing....I mean she's coming over tonight for our sorority's fundraiser (yep....I'll be seeing her again in such a short time)....and I'm just hoping that I won't get asked a lot of questions by my sisters...I mean, I genuinely liked hanging out with her....but I guess the "what ifs" will be lingering every now and then....*Sighs* well....it will all turn up as the night falls.....7:00pm is my time of judgement.....

[07 Jul 2005 | Thursday]

4:02 AM - The Lesbian Blockbuster Chick.... Current mood: disappointed Damnit....I finally have SOME type of courage to try and go get a girl's phone number...and then....what do I do? I become shy and innocent and basically a bumbling idiot when I am talking to a woman....WHY? WHY? WHY? I can't believe this....it didn't even seem as if she was interested anyway....I don't know why I even tried... I just hope that I can get up the courage to do something and find a way to be who I am without trying...Why can't I feel that way in public?? I become all shy as if I were first coming out of the damn closet again....I never used to be like that..but now...that's all I have left of me....I can't push myself to be any more assertive especially if I really wanted things to be more than just "dating" or "seeing each other." But I guess I have to learn how to fall before I can pick myself back up again... It just eats me up inside that I was not being assertive as I used to be...I used to have that kind of aura where I could go up to women...what about now?? How did I become this little idiot who isn't very glib?? I'm more than this....but I guess now...the damn Blockbuster Girl might not ever wanna speak to me after I tried like three times to get her number...I'm just such a dumbass...

[27 Jun 2005 | Monday]

11:57 PM - An Ode to Friends and Lovers... Current mood: infuriated I'm not tryin' to collect The peeps I like(d), I've set and flung out my feelings all there Why keep secrets in my hair? I like them for their personality One at a time, in orginality I've retired my Blue Book Go check my room and look It's not a crime It's NOT all the time if you think it's often Then, this blow I'll soften I like who I like I am NOT a DY$# I don't go around endlessly For every girl that's friendly I know my limits I can be timid I don't like knowing that I might be showing More for my friendships I prolly should call it quits If there's hope for me Please think overtly I REALLY DO want love I wish it from the stars above Why do things change? When I cross the friend range? I know when to stop I'm not trynah top Anything for that matter I'm just a bit sadder Am I really losing that many friends? Cuz sometimes I want more from my end?

[07 Jun 2005 | Tuesday]

9:24 AM - For the one I barely know... Current mood: determined F-E-R, L-Y-N and that's the way you spell Ferlyn Yes, that's my name And it's not a game I hope you don't doubt How our friendship's startin' out I won't spurt out words that you already heard Hope you'll wanna be mine when I stop this little rhyme I keep feelings to myself The "love" I've learned to spell In big, bold letters here It's been almost a year Goin' out, being single Always ready to mingle Thinkin' the consequences I'm puttin' up my defenses My impulses that I hide Keeps you unknowingly inside In this strong lil heart Skips beats when you start Those words in my head That you've already said We've barely said our "Hi's" Until I sent messages thrice I hope you don't forbid What I think I did How you might really see that I startin' to like thee Take me out of my box Tame me, keep me on lock I wanna know you more find you out and explore Not your body, First your mind Please know I'll be kind Spend with you every minute And charm you every bit I know it must be wrong To put this in a song I didn't have any intention Or did I fail to mention That you got me wrapped up All I'll say is "wassup?" Barely even spoken You're marked and now the token Of these quick heart strokes I think you've got me provoked For all the lyrics wrote For each poetic note So after all, I'm trynah spew Is that I really like you.

[19 Apr 2005 | Tuesday]

6:03 PM - Ferlyn's Handbook of Love: Prologue Current mood: groggy . This is my addiction. This is my one-track-mind topic. This is my strength. This is my most knowledgable subject. This is my gift. This is my curse. This is my life. This is me. I will only know of what has been in my life, what I have observed and studied from others, and what I have learned, read, and aquired through my many personal and literary references. All I AM, is being myself by stating my evaluation of Love, in ALL of its forms that of which I could vouch for. My journey starts in the beginning of kindergarten, throughout my years of middle and high school, all the way up to the current flow of time, in the "Now/Present." The actual process of developing this idea of analyzing and reanalyzing any information and it becoming an addiction of mine, started to evolve into the beginning of my middle school years. I have NO written, substantial sources or origins; however, I will be starting this today, with this "Handbook of Love." Over the years, I have collected much information and developed a certain type of "Hitch: Love Doctor" theory. I have took it upon myself to test out the possibility of creating a "perfect love." Unfortunately, there is not exact equation to the emotion of love, especially when love has many variations. Love can also contain many anomalies, like the weather. I do not consider myself a type of doctor nor an expert in the matter of love. In all my reasons why I have conceived of this idea was probably because of a once long-time crush, which I did not realize was one, until the start of middle-schooling. As time progressed, I did become obsessed with the subject of love. I was completely entranced with finding out how love worked and how to maintain such a euphoric emotional state. My test subjects towards my studies included friends, family members, my ex's, acquaintances, and even a few strangers. This is still an ongoing study, for I still have not yet witnessed the love of two people in a "always-and-forever-vowed" state nor have I witness many other situations. Over the progression of my studies, it has broadened to include not only the variations of love, but the pace, degrees, effects and affects during a connection, gender-defined relationships (relati.. any association(s) or link(s) that you keep with another person), and different transferrences of love. Until the perfect love could be one I can witness or take part in, these journals will be written to show what I have researched so far. The philosphical reasoning that I have developed and trying to find the clues to having "the perfect relationship," will soon result in the evidence of a consummate love, which is something that most people find nearly impossible to have. I hope that with each chapter I complete, people will come to learn and express love that is "near-perfect."